Next Up...New Years

Had a nice Christmas. Pretty low key, but that is how we like it around here. Got a few nice gifts...a couple sportcoats, pants, a book, a calendar...mostly "functional" items.

We went to a couple after Christmas sales Friday. The mall was insane, but I did grab a $4 pair of slippers, and later picked up holiday cards for next season for about $4 a box...not bad.

It was an interesting week with a puppy running around...my sister's combined birthday and Christmas gift was a dog. She's had him since Mid-Nov, and he is cute as hell...sure keeps us on our toes though, especially with the cats. They are happy he has gone back to his home so they can have the run of the house again.

Two more days in 2008...where did the year go?

Neglecting The Blog...

It’s strange to think how long I have been away from this blog. I’ve probably lost most readers I once had.

As you’ll note below, I took a couple of vacations recently. First, I went fishing in Northern Minnesota with my father. It’s one of those activities that we have always done together and bonded over…but in the last few years, our opportunities to do it have been limited by work and school. It was a nice trip, and we caught fish and had good conversations. Some of you may wonder, and the answer is no—I did not come out to him and still do not plan to until I have left the house.

Second up was a trip out to Colorado to see my grandparents and aunt on Dad’s side. I have always enjoyed visiting out there and despite distance have been quite close with his family over the years. We had a wonderful visit.

It’s always funny to listen to my grandparents speak of what a wonderful person I am and how they would not change anything about me. That is, anything they know about…somehow I think my star would shine a little less brightly if they knew I was gay, as they simply do not approve of homosexuality. I believe I have blogged before about the fact that it is one part of my life they will never know about—it’s not worth risking the closeness we share for whatever years they may have left.


And now, friends, it'll be business as usual for a while.

More Travels

Back from one trip and leaving on another. Heading to Colorado today to visit relatives for a few days. Happy Fourth of July!

First Days of a New Year

I realized tonight I have not blogged in several days, again. There are stretches where I just do not feel motivated to blog and this has been another of them. Oh well, I guess it is my blog and I'm allowed to set the updating pace...thanks to you who read for putting up with my sporadic-ness.

Job Search:
There is progress on this front, as I have taken the next step. My strong prospect job, which I have told a few of you about, finally posted, I heard from my contact and I applied. Now, more waiting.

Politics:
I have been following IA and NH, but so much has been said about this by others that I won't repeat it here.

Family Weekend:
My Uncle, Aunt and cousin came up for a visit this weekend. We had a nice time chatting, playing games and etc. Unfortunately, Mom has been ill...thinks she has food poisining. She was able to visit with them a bit yesterday but Dad and I did much of the "entertaining."

A Reconnection:
Remember the reason I ditched the chats? Well, one thing I never did was take AIM Boy off of either of my buddy lists. I don't know why or what possessed me to do so, but last night I IMed him just for a lark to see if he'd respond. He did and we proceeded to have a lengthy conversation about a lot of things. I am not sure what if anything will come of it but we both seem to have an interest in rekindling a friendship.

MBA Man Meets a Blogger:
A while back when I told MBA Man about this blog, I also told him a little bit about a few of my blog friends. Well, he's been in Chicago this weekend for work and this morning had brunch with Troystopher. (I had given them each other's emails and etc.) While I'm just a smidge jealous that MBA Man met my blogger buddy before me, I have to say I think it's kind of cool that connection could be made as a result of my blog.

Shout out...
To a new blog I like: Coming to Terms With "IT"

There you have it, folks. My life in a nutshell for the first few days of 2008!

B's Christmas Weekend 2007

I had a nice, relaxing, somewhat low key Christmas weekend.

Saturday: Did my shopping while Mom went to the grocery store. Was quite aggravated by it. Note to self: Stick to the SuperTarget near home. Going to other Targets that are arranged differently is confusing.

Sunday: Helped clean and bake cookies, watched movies.

Monday: Lazy morning for me. Mom finished baking. Dad was working and so was my sister, so Mom and I went to an open house some friends were having. Dad cooked the traditional steak dinner, although the meat was poor this time...we will not be getting steaks from that grocery store for a while! Waited up for sister to get home and went to bed.

Tuesday: Was up around 10:3o and we sat and watched TV for awhile. Sister was not feeling well but we woke her up long enough to open gifts about 2 pm...probably the latest Christmas "morning" I can remember. Made the usual calls to relatives. Mom, Dad and I went to see family friends for Christmas dinner, which was a very nice time. Upon arriving back home, met Sister's new boyfriend who had come over.

What I Got:

"Bad President" page a day calendar that counts down Bush's days in office.
A new all-in-one printer/copier/scanner to replace my aging printer that sounds as if it could die any time.
A black cashmere overcoat...I had commented recently that my other winter jackets are not really appropriate to wear when I am dressed up for interviews, weddings, or whatever.
A scarf to go with the coat.
A new pair of slippers.
A deodorant/cologne gift set
Some stationery items since I enjoy sending people notes from time to time.
Some Reese's candy

All nice things that will prove useful to me.

A Merry Christmas indeed.

How Different Do I Feel?

Erik over at Whittle et. Al asks: How different do you feel? He has a lot of the same questions and fears we all do, although I will admit that I am far more socially liberal than he when it comes to issues such as gay adoption.

One of the things my Mom asked me after the unplanned coming out was why I had not done so until now, and we talked about the social ramifications that I am oh so aware of:

• I’ll never have natural children.
• I’ll never have a legal marriage.
• I’ll be forced to confront stereotypes every day.
• I may lose friends over it.
• There are some family members that can never know, because it would kill the close relationship I hold with them.
• And more…

Why then, would any person want to come out? Many of us face major hurdles in doing so. The fact of the matter is that I have come to believe that it is necessary to do in order to live a happy and productive adult life. I believe those of us who are gay were born gay…a belief I know is not shared by everyone, even some gay people.

The only choice I have made is to quit denying it. I will never be an activist, Pride-marching gay man…it’s just not me. And not every person I come in to contact with needs to know...if they figure it out, fine but they won't be flat out told.

But I need to find some comfort in who I am as a person, and I also do not wish to be alone for the rest of my life.

As far as being different, well, I already am. Some of you have been let in to my “real” life over the last few months and if you have you know I’ve faced bigger adversities than this.

I’m a pretty resilient SOB…whatever life’s going to throw at me as a result of my sexuality, I say bring it on, I’m not letting it get me down.

A Little More About Last Night

I have been thinking a lot about what happened last night, specifically with telling my mom. I had not intended on telling either parent for a while...probably not until I had moved out and was a little more stable. It would just have been easier that way, I figured...and less of a risk.

So, why do it on the spur of the moment like that?

-It shouldn't be that big of a deal-it is what it is.
-She asked point blank, and I am not a good liar.
-Despite saying she had no idea, I can't imagine she'd have brought it up had she not wondered, at least a little.

In the end, I think everything will be fine. There hasn't been any awkwardness between us in the "aftermath" and I don't think there will be.

I think the funniest part was her wondering why, if I had been gay all along, I was so surprised when MBA Man first came out. I told her that just because I'm gay doesn't mean my gaydar is any good.

I'm finding that as hard as I try to "plan" my coming outs, it just kind of happens. Maybe that's for the best, and a sign that I am becoming more comfortable with all this.

All I Can Say: HOLY SHIT!

Tonight I had dinner with MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, and friends of MBA Man and Fly Boy. I had told MBA Man about a week ago that I was probably going to use the opportunity to come out to Country Girl.

Most of the dinner conversation was typical. We laughed and joked and partook in usual meal banter. We had a conversation about how much I hate text messenging on my phone, so the others sent a few in jest.

Toward the end of the meal, Fly Boy's friend brought up the fact that I was the only straight man at the table. I then asked why he assumed that, and when Country Girl gave me a confused look and didn't quite pick up on the "You realized what I just admitted, don't you" , I looked at her and whispered "I'm not straight" which was followed by a shocked look from her.

At that point all the guys at the table decided it was time for another drink and headed down to another restaurant in the mall. I talked to CG for a few more minutes and basically explained the short version of how I had gotten to this point. I asked her to stay mum on the subject but did say she could talk to her mom about it.

So we went down to the other restaurant and had a couple more drinks. The guys teased me a bit about being "one of them now". CG was pretty quiet...I think she was trying to let it sink in, but she has assured me she's OK with it. We all hugged as we were leaving, and Fly Boy made me promise to go out with them afterwards next time...they all headed to the bars but I could not since Mom was shopping in the mall and had done so in order to be my ride home after my dinner.

I expected that to be the end of my coming out for the night...

In the car, Mom and I had a conversation. It went something like this:

Mom: So who was at Dinner?

Me: MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, MBA Man's Coworker, Fly Boy's Coworker

Mom: So how is everyone?

Me: (Fill her in)

Mom: So does Fly Boy's Coworker date girls or guys? (He was new to the group)

Me: He's gay

Mom: Oh. A lot of your friends seem to be. Is Country Girl?

Me: No, she's interested in a guy at work.

Mom: Are YOU gay?

At this point I there was a pause while I decided whether to lie or not...

Me: Am I GAY? Are you seriously asking me that? Why on earth would you ask me that?

Mom: Well are you?

Me: What do you think?

Mom: Probably not.

Me: If you really want an answer, I will give one. You're wrong. The answer is yes.

Mom: Yes what?

Me: Yes, I'm gay.

Basically I spent the rest of our short ride home trying to explain how long I'd known and asking if she'd ever had any inkling. She really didn't...but we were both very matter of fact. I told her I understood if she didn't agree, but that it is what it is.

All in all, she seemed very understanding. I asked that she not say anything to Dad for now, because he may not take it so well, and I am living under their roof after all.

It was TOTALLY unplanned and I'm kinda freaked that I actually did it. I mean, holy frickin shit I am out to my mother!

Definitely a night I will not soon forget.

The Ones I Should Have Told...

All the stories from the past lead me to today.

I have not told anyone else beyond the four I've blogged about. I’m not ashamed of who I am necessarily, but it’s nerve wracking. I know this is not society’s “preferred” orientation. I’m also living with my parents again and I have a feeling that while they are supportive of my friendships with gay people, they may feel differently when they realize it’s their son. I want to be somewhat secure and moved out in case there is strain or backlash.

Additionally, living with the parents does make it hard to do much about anything. You’d think living close to the city I’d have explored the nightlife...not so much.

If I could go back I probably would have told two others while I was still in school:

1. Our SG advisor, who for lack of a better name in my head at the moment will be known as The Advisor. He’s a very nice guy and has become a mentor of mine, as I would like to get into similar work with college students. He also happens to be a gay guy. Apple Guy had suggested I talk to him when I hit “the breaking point” and I did—about everything EXCEPT the fact that I’m grappling with my sexuality.

2. Bi Boy- When I came out to Daisy Duke she suggested I tell him. I didn’t at the time because we had not had very many personal chats like that and it seemed out of place to tell him I’m coming to terms with being gay. In hindsight, however, it might have been nice to talk to someone who had been through the same kind of things.

And the journey continues...I've got more posts brewing all the time

The Gay Bar-January 07

This past Christmas Break I was home in the suburbs. I went downtown and spent an evening with MBA Man and Photo Guy at their then-condo.

During dinner, MBA Man said to me that they were going out later and taking me with. Afterward, we were relaxing in the living room and he seemed content to stay in. Photo Guy was determined to go out with their other friend who’d joined us, with or without MBA Man and me.

Recalling an earlier promise I’d made to let them take me out, I agreed to go. Of course this was after about a half hour of back and forth between them and reassuring them that it was ok, I could handle whatever place they wanted to go.

I asked if I could stay the night on their sofa, since my mother had dropped me off and calling her for a ride home at 2 am buzzed seemed like a bad plan. They agreed, I called and told her I was staying over, and we were off to one of the local bars.

I’m not an experienced “bar fly” to begin with, so it was an interesting experience. Closeted man in a gay bar with gay friends…it was odd. I was out of my element. Didn’t stray too far from my friends either, as I was not about to get lost in the crowd in an unfamiliar place.

But I had a good time, even danced a little after a couple drinks.

The funniest part was the reactions the next day. My mom asked what the place was like. My sister asked if I had been hit on. Answer: No…possibly because there were 4 of us so it appeared to be two couples. I wasn’t exactly looking to get hit on either. And later that night, at a dinner with family friends, where inevitably I ended up telling the story, the 20 year old daughter told me excitedly that she’d been to this bar once on 18+ night with her then-boyfriend’s gay brother.

Certainly an evening I won’t forget.