Monday, December 31, 2007
Bye Bye 2007
Not my worst year, but not my best either. Took major steps in coming out, but that has been both a happy and scary experience. There have been many moments of stress in my life this year. Overall, I will be glad for the renewal that 2008 will bring.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
To Share or Not?
Over at DTB, Matt is considering what to tell his straight friend before he spends the night. One commenter asks why two friends would ever share a bed in 2007.
Answer: It is far more common than one might think, especially in travel situations. When I was traveling around the state for SG, it was common to have either 3 or 4 people to a hotel room. Therefore, you got used to sharing a bed.
Gay, straight or something in between...the question was never asked. It was a non-issue. It was either share the bed or sleep on the motel room floor.
In fact, I slept in the same bed with Apple Guy the night I came out to him. We didn't think twice.
So, in my humble opinion, if it's just about a place to sleep, it shouldn't be an issue.
Answer: It is far more common than one might think, especially in travel situations. When I was traveling around the state for SG, it was common to have either 3 or 4 people to a hotel room. Therefore, you got used to sharing a bed.
Gay, straight or something in between...the question was never asked. It was a non-issue. It was either share the bed or sleep on the motel room floor.
In fact, I slept in the same bed with Apple Guy the night I came out to him. We didn't think twice.
So, in my humble opinion, if it's just about a place to sleep, it shouldn't be an issue.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
B's Christmas Weekend 2007
I had a nice, relaxing, somewhat low key Christmas weekend.
Saturday: Did my shopping while Mom went to the grocery store. Was quite aggravated by it. Note to self: Stick to the SuperTarget near home. Going to other Targets that are arranged differently is confusing.
Sunday: Helped clean and bake cookies, watched movies.
Monday: Lazy morning for me. Mom finished baking. Dad was working and so was my sister, so Mom and I went to an open house some friends were having. Dad cooked the traditional steak dinner, although the meat was poor this time...we will not be getting steaks from that grocery store for a while! Waited up for sister to get home and went to bed.
Tuesday: Was up around 10:3o and we sat and watched TV for awhile. Sister was not feeling well but we woke her up long enough to open gifts about 2 pm...probably the latest Christmas "morning" I can remember. Made the usual calls to relatives. Mom, Dad and I went to see family friends for Christmas dinner, which was a very nice time. Upon arriving back home, met Sister's new boyfriend who had come over.
What I Got:
"Bad President" page a day calendar that counts down Bush's days in office.
A new all-in-one printer/copier/scanner to replace my aging printer that sounds as if it could die any time.
A black cashmere overcoat...I had commented recently that my other winter jackets are not really appropriate to wear when I am dressed up for interviews, weddings, or whatever.
A scarf to go with the coat.
A new pair of slippers.
A deodorant/cologne gift set
Some stationery items since I enjoy sending people notes from time to time.
Some Reese's candy
All nice things that will prove useful to me.
A Merry Christmas indeed.
Saturday: Did my shopping while Mom went to the grocery store. Was quite aggravated by it. Note to self: Stick to the SuperTarget near home. Going to other Targets that are arranged differently is confusing.
Sunday: Helped clean and bake cookies, watched movies.
Monday: Lazy morning for me. Mom finished baking. Dad was working and so was my sister, so Mom and I went to an open house some friends were having. Dad cooked the traditional steak dinner, although the meat was poor this time...we will not be getting steaks from that grocery store for a while! Waited up for sister to get home and went to bed.
Tuesday: Was up around 10:3o and we sat and watched TV for awhile. Sister was not feeling well but we woke her up long enough to open gifts about 2 pm...probably the latest Christmas "morning" I can remember. Made the usual calls to relatives. Mom, Dad and I went to see family friends for Christmas dinner, which was a very nice time. Upon arriving back home, met Sister's new boyfriend who had come over.
What I Got:
"Bad President" page a day calendar that counts down Bush's days in office.
A new all-in-one printer/copier/scanner to replace my aging printer that sounds as if it could die any time.
A black cashmere overcoat...I had commented recently that my other winter jackets are not really appropriate to wear when I am dressed up for interviews, weddings, or whatever.
A scarf to go with the coat.
A new pair of slippers.
A deodorant/cologne gift set
Some stationery items since I enjoy sending people notes from time to time.
Some Reese's candy
All nice things that will prove useful to me.
A Merry Christmas indeed.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas
Hope everyone out there has a WONDERFUL holiday filled with good cheer, family, friends and loved ones.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Dispelling Stereotypes-The B Edition
After watching the video below, you may be curious to learn a little more about me. Because like the person in it, I don't fit most gay stereotypes either.
Some things about B that you may or may not know:
Some things about B that you may or may not know:
- I enjoy the outdoors
- I like Housewives, Brothers and Sisters etc. but also love shows like The Office and Damages.
- QAF is great, but I don't think it's how 99 percent of people behave.
- I am not obsessed with Cher or Barbara
- I am not "domestic" in any sense of the word (cooking, baking,etc.)
- I don't have an eye for fashion and there is scarcely a designer label in my closet
- I am not obsessed with musical theatre
- I do not automatically know who's gay or not--my gaydar sucks
Dispelling Stereotypes
Found this video on YouTube the other day and I like it.
Don't be a part of being gay, let being gay be a part of you.
-Jake
Don't be a part of being gay, let being gay be a part of you.
-Jake
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
More New Blogs
Check out a couple of new blogs on my list:
Midwest Ben- he was on hiatus for a while but started blogging again recently. We've chatted by AIM and he seems like a cool guy. And it turns out he spends most of his year at college just south of "The Cities" here in MN, so we are practically in each other's backyards.
Cooper's Corridor- I was told by Eliot that this was a must read, and I have to agree. Cooper seems like a great guy...with a huge heart. Only a few years older than me and raising 2 adopted sons as a single dad. Impressive. And he's a pretty good writer too, it seems.
Midwest Ben- he was on hiatus for a while but started blogging again recently. We've chatted by AIM and he seems like a cool guy. And it turns out he spends most of his year at college just south of "The Cities" here in MN, so we are practically in each other's backyards.
Cooper's Corridor- I was told by Eliot that this was a must read, and I have to agree. Cooper seems like a great guy...with a huge heart. Only a few years older than me and raising 2 adopted sons as a single dad. Impressive. And he's a pretty good writer too, it seems.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
How Different Do I Feel?
Erik over at Whittle et. Al asks: How different do you feel? He has a lot of the same questions and fears we all do, although I will admit that I am far more socially liberal than he when it comes to issues such as gay adoption.
One of the things my Mom asked me after the unplanned coming out was why I had not done so until now, and we talked about the social ramifications that I am oh so aware of:
• I’ll never have natural children.
• I’ll never have a legal marriage.
• I’ll be forced to confront stereotypes every day.
• I may lose friends over it.
• There are some family members that can never know, because it would kill the close relationship I hold with them.
• And more…
Why then, would any person want to come out? Many of us face major hurdles in doing so. The fact of the matter is that I have come to believe that it is necessary to do in order to live a happy and productive adult life. I believe those of us who are gay were born gay…a belief I know is not shared by everyone, even some gay people.
The only choice I have made is to quit denying it. I will never be an activist, Pride-marching gay man…it’s just not me. And not every person I come in to contact with needs to know...if they figure it out, fine but they won't be flat out told.
But I need to find some comfort in who I am as a person, and I also do not wish to be alone for the rest of my life.
As far as being different, well, I already am. Some of you have been let in to my “real” life over the last few months and if you have you know I’ve faced bigger adversities than this.
I’m a pretty resilient SOB…whatever life’s going to throw at me as a result of my sexuality, I say bring it on, I’m not letting it get me down.
One of the things my Mom asked me after the unplanned coming out was why I had not done so until now, and we talked about the social ramifications that I am oh so aware of:
• I’ll never have natural children.
• I’ll never have a legal marriage.
• I’ll be forced to confront stereotypes every day.
• I may lose friends over it.
• There are some family members that can never know, because it would kill the close relationship I hold with them.
• And more…
Why then, would any person want to come out? Many of us face major hurdles in doing so. The fact of the matter is that I have come to believe that it is necessary to do in order to live a happy and productive adult life. I believe those of us who are gay were born gay…a belief I know is not shared by everyone, even some gay people.
The only choice I have made is to quit denying it. I will never be an activist, Pride-marching gay man…it’s just not me. And not every person I come in to contact with needs to know...if they figure it out, fine but they won't be flat out told.
But I need to find some comfort in who I am as a person, and I also do not wish to be alone for the rest of my life.
As far as being different, well, I already am. Some of you have been let in to my “real” life over the last few months and if you have you know I’ve faced bigger adversities than this.
I’m a pretty resilient SOB…whatever life’s going to throw at me as a result of my sexuality, I say bring it on, I’m not letting it get me down.
Funny
Check out these video posts from a while back on Overnight NY:
Iowa Republicans
Iowa's Benjamin Johnson, Fabulous
LOL.
Been meaning to post these for some time. Gotta play a little catch up with posting!
Iowa Republicans
Iowa's Benjamin Johnson, Fabulous
LOL.
Been meaning to post these for some time. Gotta play a little catch up with posting!
Saturday, December 8, 2007
Answering "How Goes It?"
About a week ago, before my semi-hiatus, I posted about the debate I was having about how to answer the "How Goes It?" question with regard to The Advisor.
Several days ago, I emailed him, and chose to go with option two. I was honest about how things were going. In the closing paragraphs of the email, I wrote:
"There is one other thing I want to share with you that sort of relates to living happily, at least as far as I am concerned. Over the past several months as I have struggled with pending and post graduation anxiety, employment worries, grad school worries and the like, I have thought a lot about who I am and who I want to be as a happy and productive adult. It is, as we talked about back in the Spring, something every person goes through.
However, there is one thing I did not tell you then that I know you will relate to very much is that I have begun to acknowledge that I too, am a gay man. I’m choosing to share this with you because I want you to know how much I respect you for having the courage to live your life openly and I hope that in time, as I enter what you’ve termed an accepting and affirming profession in [...] that I will be able to do the same. "
Why tell you now? Because the final car on my post holiday roller coaster was being asked point blank by my mother, after having dinner with a group of mostly gay friends if I was as well, and telling the truth. She reacted positively, although Dad may be a tougher cookie to crack so I’m waiting a little while on that one. My dinner companions know/knew, as do [Apple Guy] and [Daisy Duke]. In fact, [Apple Guy] was the one who unwittingly broke the camel’s back with a comment about my need to “get in touch with myself” during the trip to [event]…so in a way I owe him a debt of gratitude as well..."
I hadn't heard anything from him, and as he is usually quick to respond, thought perhaps I'd shocked him to speechlessness. This afternoon, I got a message from him...he apologized for the delayed response...apparently he's recovering from a hospital stay. He wrote, in part:
"Appreciated taking me into your confidence when you came out. Certainly will provide new conversations for us. I hope that you've found/are finding supportive folks.
More when I'm back to campus."
It feels good to know that another person I trust and respect knows about this aspect of my life.
Several days ago, I emailed him, and chose to go with option two. I was honest about how things were going. In the closing paragraphs of the email, I wrote:
"There is one other thing I want to share with you that sort of relates to living happily, at least as far as I am concerned. Over the past several months as I have struggled with pending and post graduation anxiety, employment worries, grad school worries and the like, I have thought a lot about who I am and who I want to be as a happy and productive adult. It is, as we talked about back in the Spring, something every person goes through.
However, there is one thing I did not tell you then that I know you will relate to very much is that I have begun to acknowledge that I too, am a gay man. I’m choosing to share this with you because I want you to know how much I respect you for having the courage to live your life openly and I hope that in time, as I enter what you’ve termed an accepting and affirming profession in [...] that I will be able to do the same. "
Why tell you now? Because the final car on my post holiday roller coaster was being asked point blank by my mother, after having dinner with a group of mostly gay friends if I was as well, and telling the truth. She reacted positively, although Dad may be a tougher cookie to crack so I’m waiting a little while on that one. My dinner companions know/knew, as do [Apple Guy] and [Daisy Duke]. In fact, [Apple Guy] was the one who unwittingly broke the camel’s back with a comment about my need to “get in touch with myself” during the trip to [event]…so in a way I owe him a debt of gratitude as well..."
I hadn't heard anything from him, and as he is usually quick to respond, thought perhaps I'd shocked him to speechlessness. This afternoon, I got a message from him...he apologized for the delayed response...apparently he's recovering from a hospital stay. He wrote, in part:
"Appreciated taking me into your confidence when you came out. Certainly will provide new conversations for us. I hope that you've found/are finding supportive folks.
More when I'm back to campus."
It feels good to know that another person I trust and respect knows about this aspect of my life.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Pardon the Lackluster Posting This Week...
I know I have been slacking on both posting and reading and commenting. I've had a stressful couple of weeks in general since Thanksgiving. Added to that, a friend and colleague from my days in state-level student gov't passed away last week. It was sudden, unexpected and hit all who knew him pretty hard. So, I've spent a lot of my time the last few days communicating with friends, reading tributes on Facebook and other blogs, etc.
But I'm back now. Watch for me.
But I'm back now. Watch for me.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
How Goes It?
Over at Frozen Underwear, Steve is contemplating how honest to be when a friend asks you about your personal life. I'm having a similar debate with myself over how to respond to an email from The Advisor.
We've been in contact since I left school because I'm ultimately trying to enter the same profession. He's been very helpful and yesterday emailed me a posting he thought might interest me. I replied with a thank you, and in turn, he replied and asked "how goes it?"
Because he's a mentor and friend, I know that he asks out of more than courtesy...and cares on some level about what the answer is.
I have two options:
1) I could reply with the usual "Pretty good. Applied at x place. blah, blah, blah"
2) I could take a more honest and personal approach--let him know of the ups and downs of my current job search, as well as what's been going on personally--namely my decision to begin coming out, and the weekend developments. Recall that he is one of the people I never told but kind of wish I had.
Part of me is feeling like I want to fill him in, yet I know it is a big thing to talk about via email. Of course I don't visit my college town often--well I haven't been back yet, so doing it in person anytime soon isn't really an option.
Hmm. What to do.
We've been in contact since I left school because I'm ultimately trying to enter the same profession. He's been very helpful and yesterday emailed me a posting he thought might interest me. I replied with a thank you, and in turn, he replied and asked "how goes it?"
Because he's a mentor and friend, I know that he asks out of more than courtesy...and cares on some level about what the answer is.
I have two options:
1) I could reply with the usual "Pretty good. Applied at x place. blah, blah, blah"
2) I could take a more honest and personal approach--let him know of the ups and downs of my current job search, as well as what's been going on personally--namely my decision to begin coming out, and the weekend developments. Recall that he is one of the people I never told but kind of wish I had.
Part of me is feeling like I want to fill him in, yet I know it is a big thing to talk about via email. Of course I don't visit my college town often--well I haven't been back yet, so doing it in person anytime soon isn't really an option.
Hmm. What to do.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
What's up With the Blogosphere These Days?
I want to take a minute to address something that's been bothering me lately: the demise of some of my favorite blogs. In the years I have been a part of the blogosphere I have seen many come and go, it is a natural cycle.
Recently, though I am starting to notice people dropping their blogs (and Facebook) for reasons beyond being tired of them. I'm seeing great blogs die because the writers are becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of overexposure or are tired of assholes leaving nasty comments under the guise of "Anonymous."
It's really sad. While I am fully aware that we all have to watch ourselves online, blogs are supposed to be a medium of free expression. They are supposed to be the writer's domain. Obviously there is a line...we shouldn't be writing slanderous lies about our friends and enemies, but being authentic should be applauded.
Am I authentic? Yes. Could I be more so? Yes, such as in the sense that I could come out from behind my initial and stop using codenames for my friends...and that will come with time as the closet door opens wider.
When did openness and honesty in blogging become a bad thing?
Thank you, Troystopher for being one of those open and honest bloggers, and an all around great guy--In fact, the first "gay blogger" I really communicated with, just as I was starting FMO. To me and many others, you are more than just another blogger, you're our friend. I'm sure many of us will be in touch, but your blog will be missed.
Recently, though I am starting to notice people dropping their blogs (and Facebook) for reasons beyond being tired of them. I'm seeing great blogs die because the writers are becoming overwhelmed with a feeling of overexposure or are tired of assholes leaving nasty comments under the guise of "Anonymous."
It's really sad. While I am fully aware that we all have to watch ourselves online, blogs are supposed to be a medium of free expression. They are supposed to be the writer's domain. Obviously there is a line...we shouldn't be writing slanderous lies about our friends and enemies, but being authentic should be applauded.
Am I authentic? Yes. Could I be more so? Yes, such as in the sense that I could come out from behind my initial and stop using codenames for my friends...and that will come with time as the closet door opens wider.
When did openness and honesty in blogging become a bad thing?
Thank you, Troystopher for being one of those open and honest bloggers, and an all around great guy--In fact, the first "gay blogger" I really communicated with, just as I was starting FMO. To me and many others, you are more than just another blogger, you're our friend. I'm sure many of us will be in touch, but your blog will be missed.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Gaybonics
After my post about applied homo lingo, Joe posted a comment linking to one of his old posts. Read it, it's pretty funny:
Click Here
Click Here
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Homo Lingo Applied
Not long ago, I posted about "homo lingo"
Last night, I got my first taste of it when I heard Fly Boy call me a bitch. I don't know what was being discussed at that moment, but I stopped in my tracks:
Me: Fly Boy, did you just call me a bitch?
Fly Boy: Yeah, I can do that since you're one of us now.
Last night, I got my first taste of it when I heard Fly Boy call me a bitch. I don't know what was being discussed at that moment, but I stopped in my tracks:
Me: Fly Boy, did you just call me a bitch?
Fly Boy: Yeah, I can do that since you're one of us now.
A Little More About Last Night
I have been thinking a lot about what happened last night, specifically with telling my mom. I had not intended on telling either parent for a while...probably not until I had moved out and was a little more stable. It would just have been easier that way, I figured...and less of a risk.
So, why do it on the spur of the moment like that?
-It shouldn't be that big of a deal-it is what it is.
-She asked point blank, and I am not a good liar.
-Despite saying she had no idea, I can't imagine she'd have brought it up had she not wondered, at least a little.
In the end, I think everything will be fine. There hasn't been any awkwardness between us in the "aftermath" and I don't think there will be.
I think the funniest part was her wondering why, if I had been gay all along, I was so surprised when MBA Man first came out. I told her that just because I'm gay doesn't mean my gaydar is any good.
I'm finding that as hard as I try to "plan" my coming outs, it just kind of happens. Maybe that's for the best, and a sign that I am becoming more comfortable with all this.
So, why do it on the spur of the moment like that?
-It shouldn't be that big of a deal-it is what it is.
-She asked point blank, and I am not a good liar.
-Despite saying she had no idea, I can't imagine she'd have brought it up had she not wondered, at least a little.
In the end, I think everything will be fine. There hasn't been any awkwardness between us in the "aftermath" and I don't think there will be.
I think the funniest part was her wondering why, if I had been gay all along, I was so surprised when MBA Man first came out. I told her that just because I'm gay doesn't mean my gaydar is any good.
I'm finding that as hard as I try to "plan" my coming outs, it just kind of happens. Maybe that's for the best, and a sign that I am becoming more comfortable with all this.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
All I Can Say: HOLY SHIT!
Tonight I had dinner with MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, and friends of MBA Man and Fly Boy. I had told MBA Man about a week ago that I was probably going to use the opportunity to come out to Country Girl.
Most of the dinner conversation was typical. We laughed and joked and partook in usual meal banter. We had a conversation about how much I hate text messenging on my phone, so the others sent a few in jest.
Toward the end of the meal, Fly Boy's friend brought up the fact that I was the only straight man at the table. I then asked why he assumed that, and when Country Girl gave me a confused look and didn't quite pick up on the "You realized what I just admitted, don't you" , I looked at her and whispered "I'm not straight" which was followed by a shocked look from her.
At that point all the guys at the table decided it was time for another drink and headed down to another restaurant in the mall. I talked to CG for a few more minutes and basically explained the short version of how I had gotten to this point. I asked her to stay mum on the subject but did say she could talk to her mom about it.
So we went down to the other restaurant and had a couple more drinks. The guys teased me a bit about being "one of them now". CG was pretty quiet...I think she was trying to let it sink in, but she has assured me she's OK with it. We all hugged as we were leaving, and Fly Boy made me promise to go out with them afterwards next time...they all headed to the bars but I could not since Mom was shopping in the mall and had done so in order to be my ride home after my dinner.
I expected that to be the end of my coming out for the night...
In the car, Mom and I had a conversation. It went something like this:
Mom: So who was at Dinner?
Me: MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, MBA Man's Coworker, Fly Boy's Coworker
Mom: So how is everyone?
Me: (Fill her in)
Mom: So does Fly Boy's Coworker date girls or guys? (He was new to the group)
Me: He's gay
Mom: Oh. A lot of your friends seem to be. Is Country Girl?
Me: No, she's interested in a guy at work.
Mom: Are YOU gay?
At this point I there was a pause while I decided whether to lie or not...
Me: Am I GAY? Are you seriously asking me that? Why on earth would you ask me that?
Mom: Well are you?
Me: What do you think?
Mom: Probably not.
Me: If you really want an answer, I will give one. You're wrong. The answer is yes.
Mom: Yes what?
Me: Yes, I'm gay.
Basically I spent the rest of our short ride home trying to explain how long I'd known and asking if she'd ever had any inkling. She really didn't...but we were both very matter of fact. I told her I understood if she didn't agree, but that it is what it is.
All in all, she seemed very understanding. I asked that she not say anything to Dad for now, because he may not take it so well, and I am living under their roof after all.
It was TOTALLY unplanned and I'm kinda freaked that I actually did it. I mean, holy frickin shit I am out to my mother!
Definitely a night I will not soon forget.
Most of the dinner conversation was typical. We laughed and joked and partook in usual meal banter. We had a conversation about how much I hate text messenging on my phone, so the others sent a few in jest.
Toward the end of the meal, Fly Boy's friend brought up the fact that I was the only straight man at the table. I then asked why he assumed that, and when Country Girl gave me a confused look and didn't quite pick up on the "You realized what I just admitted, don't you" , I looked at her and whispered "I'm not straight" which was followed by a shocked look from her.
At that point all the guys at the table decided it was time for another drink and headed down to another restaurant in the mall. I talked to CG for a few more minutes and basically explained the short version of how I had gotten to this point. I asked her to stay mum on the subject but did say she could talk to her mom about it.
So we went down to the other restaurant and had a couple more drinks. The guys teased me a bit about being "one of them now". CG was pretty quiet...I think she was trying to let it sink in, but she has assured me she's OK with it. We all hugged as we were leaving, and Fly Boy made me promise to go out with them afterwards next time...they all headed to the bars but I could not since Mom was shopping in the mall and had done so in order to be my ride home after my dinner.
I expected that to be the end of my coming out for the night...
In the car, Mom and I had a conversation. It went something like this:
Mom: So who was at Dinner?
Me: MBA Man, Country Girl, Fly Boy, MBA Man's Coworker, Fly Boy's Coworker
Mom: So how is everyone?
Me: (Fill her in)
Mom: So does Fly Boy's Coworker date girls or guys? (He was new to the group)
Me: He's gay
Mom: Oh. A lot of your friends seem to be. Is Country Girl?
Me: No, she's interested in a guy at work.
Mom: Are YOU gay?
At this point I there was a pause while I decided whether to lie or not...
Me: Am I GAY? Are you seriously asking me that? Why on earth would you ask me that?
Mom: Well are you?
Me: What do you think?
Mom: Probably not.
Me: If you really want an answer, I will give one. You're wrong. The answer is yes.
Mom: Yes what?
Me: Yes, I'm gay.
Basically I spent the rest of our short ride home trying to explain how long I'd known and asking if she'd ever had any inkling. She really didn't...but we were both very matter of fact. I told her I understood if she didn't agree, but that it is what it is.
All in all, she seemed very understanding. I asked that she not say anything to Dad for now, because he may not take it so well, and I am living under their roof after all.
It was TOTALLY unplanned and I'm kinda freaked that I actually did it. I mean, holy frickin shit I am out to my mother!
Definitely a night I will not soon forget.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Funny Videos
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Responding to Reader Comments
Thanks to all who commented on my recent posts.
With regard to blogging about the Haloscan mistake:
I know it is possible they could click here, see that and put two and two together. I thought about taking it down, but decided against it. If they know, they know. They aren't folks I see regularly so there is not the awkwardness and paranoia you might expect.
With regard to friends breaking up:
I have been told they are still being civil to one another, which is good. When I talked to MBA Man the other day he assured me he was doing OK. I know he is quite a positive and resilient guy, so he'll land on his feet. And Joe is correct that life in general is a fragile thing.
Why I post a lot about Student Government:
Joe also mentioned that he might have been under the impression I was still a student because of my many SG references. I do indeed talk a lot about my past as a student leader on this blog, and on my other one. As I'm sure folks like Joe and V.Jay can also attest, as a college student in SG, it becomes a HUGE part of your life...as it was in mine from September of 02 when I entered my university until this May when I graduated. I met most of my close friends in SG, such as Country Girl, MBA Man, Apple Guy and Daisy Duke. And I'm still connected to a point through the state association's attempts to organize alumni. So, even though I have graduated the references continue.
With regard to blogging about the Haloscan mistake:
I know it is possible they could click here, see that and put two and two together. I thought about taking it down, but decided against it. If they know, they know. They aren't folks I see regularly so there is not the awkwardness and paranoia you might expect.
With regard to friends breaking up:
I have been told they are still being civil to one another, which is good. When I talked to MBA Man the other day he assured me he was doing OK. I know he is quite a positive and resilient guy, so he'll land on his feet. And Joe is correct that life in general is a fragile thing.
Why I post a lot about Student Government:
Joe also mentioned that he might have been under the impression I was still a student because of my many SG references. I do indeed talk a lot about my past as a student leader on this blog, and on my other one. As I'm sure folks like Joe and V.Jay can also attest, as a college student in SG, it becomes a HUGE part of your life...as it was in mine from September of 02 when I entered my university until this May when I graduated. I met most of my close friends in SG, such as Country Girl, MBA Man, Apple Guy and Daisy Duke. And I'm still connected to a point through the state association's attempts to organize alumni. So, even though I have graduated the references continue.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
A Sad Turn of Events
A bit of unfortunate news to report in my world.
MBA Man and Photo Guy are no longer a couple. I won't go into details here because it's not my life or my business. Suffice it to say that several weeks of ups and downs culminated in a breakup. As their friend it saddens me that it ended as it did after three years, but it must be what's best for both of them.
Relationships are fragile things, aren't they?
MBA Man and Photo Guy are no longer a couple. I won't go into details here because it's not my life or my business. Suffice it to say that several weeks of ups and downs culminated in a breakup. As their friend it saddens me that it ended as it did after three years, but it must be what's best for both of them.
Relationships are fragile things, aren't they?
Worry Not, I Am Still Here
Joe commented that I hadn't blogged in a few days. Worry not, I'm OK. And it's not midterms, since I'm not a student. There simply hasn't been much going on lately that fits on this blog.
New to sidebar:
Jonathan at Rabid Mongoose has transitioned to Degree and a Soy Latte .
Check him out.
Haloscan oops:
This morning I was commenting on some blogs that use Haloscan. I inadvertently left comments on two friends' blogs using my name but linking to THIS blog instead of my other one. Needless to say, a "HOLY SHIT!!" moment. I couldn't get rid of the comments so I left follow ups saying the auto-complete had filled in a website that wasn't mine. The auto-complete part is true.
New to sidebar:
Jonathan at Rabid Mongoose has transitioned to Degree and a Soy Latte .
Check him out.
Haloscan oops:
This morning I was commenting on some blogs that use Haloscan. I inadvertently left comments on two friends' blogs using my name but linking to THIS blog instead of my other one. Needless to say, a "HOLY SHIT!!" moment. I couldn't get rid of the comments so I left follow ups saying the auto-complete had filled in a website that wasn't mine. The auto-complete part is true.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Clarification...
Based on a couple of comments on my post entitled "The Thing With Country Girl", it appears some out there think she might be interested in me.
Just to clear that up: NO
We have never been and will never be more than friends. Even if I was straight, she's not attracted to me...I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
So, no one is leading anyone on, unless not having told her I'm gay qualifies.
Just to clear that up: NO
We have never been and will never be more than friends. Even if I was straight, she's not attracted to me...I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt.
So, no one is leading anyone on, unless not having told her I'm gay qualifies.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Paranoia
So yeah...I think I am paranoid. Probably, as one comment stated, it just goes with being closeted. Suffice it to say the reader discussed in the post about my blog worlds colliding has never seen my other blog and it is a non-issue.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
New on FMO...
I wanted to showcase a couple of blogs new to my sidebar:
Overnight in NY
The Search
A Gay Athlete's Life
Opening the Closet
Overnight in NY
The Search
A Gay Athlete's Life
Opening the Closet
Are My Two Blog Worlds In Danger of Colliding?
This morning I was reading a post from one of the many blogs on my sidebar and I noticed something strange. There was text within the post that looked as if it had been taken from an entry on my main blog.
The bloggers in question read this blog but I had no idea they had seen my other blog. Now, this is the internet and for all I know they could have Googled a subject and found me.
It really makes me wonder how many people are aware of both my blogs, and whether or not they have made the connection and realize that blogger and this blogger are the same person.
The bloggers in question read this blog but I had no idea they had seen my other blog. Now, this is the internet and for all I know they could have Googled a subject and found me.
It really makes me wonder how many people are aware of both my blogs, and whether or not they have made the connection and realize that blogger and this blogger are the same person.
Friday, November 2, 2007
The Thing With Country Girl
Long post ahead.
See, there is this thing with Country Girl. She wants a guy…badly. I think at 26 she already feels the clock is ticking and she will end up an old cat lady. As much as those of us around her have tried to convince her otherwise, she’s had a hard time believing it. She’s had some rough times and challenges in her life and has had some esteem issues.
As a result, she gets very attached to her friends. Which in a way is very sweet, however it is not healthy for her. A couple of years ago, she fell for her best friend, call him Enviro Boy (an environmentalist). They had become close while at our university and when he graduated she took his leaving very hard. Eventually, she did come clean about her feelings and while he did not share them they are now back in the same city and still close.
Recently, she became very infatuated with another good friend. We’ll call him Fly Boy, because he works for the local airline. They met at work...he has a second job at the place she works. She says Fly Boy would be perfect for her, except for one thing...he’s gay. And now he’s decided to move to The Cheese State to live with an on-again-off-again boyfriend. We think he’s crazy but that’s another story in and of itself. She’s having a tough time with it, she says because of the fact he’s a friend leaving and not the crush.
And of course, she admits she had the requisite crush on MBA Man when he first came on the scene, but as I have said before that was true of many people. So, we’ve now established that CG falls for gays and men who are not interested…
Well, the other day she was telling me, and MBA Man, about the security guard at work that seems to have his eye on her, and she likes him too. We told her to ask him out, and are happy for her because:
1) The guy is interested
2) The guy is “real”…she’s tried the eHarmony thing to no avail
3) It is something for her to focus on besides Fly Boy’s anticipated departure
So anyway, MBA Man and I were joking with her about going on a date with this guy. He suggested they double with him and Photo Guy. I said we ought to make it a triple…that I should have “my guy” come down and join us. See, Country Girl found the joke about me and Apple Guy to be particularly funny and brings it up whenever I mention him…since I saw him last week it’s fresh again in her mind.
Note that these were IM conversations, and were not a group chat...e.g. Country Girl didn’t know what was being said on our end. I don’t remember exact wording but here is the jist:
MBA Man: “You are sooo totally hinting to Country Girl!”
Me: What is she saying to you?
MBA: She thinks you are sweet on Apple Guy or whatever…that the whole AG thing is funny.
Me: She brings up the joke EVERY TIME I mention his name, I just play on it, is that bad?
MBA: No, I just think it is funny
MBA: Don’t tell her on IM though
Me: I won’t
Basically, we continued to talk about the whole issue of me telling Country Girl. I commented that I sometimes wish she would just ask me if indeed she does suspect it…but it is hard to know. One minute she’ll be almost implying she knows, the next she’ll be commenting on my straightness. I have indeed been dropping hints, figuring that if there is suspicion it may soften the blow when she does hear it.
One thing MBA Man and I agreed on is that it will probably freak her out that yet another person in her small close circle is gay. I just remember the shock of MBA Man’s nrews…while she is a total ally it took her some time, and a trip to her counselor, to process.
She’s a very dramatic person at times. Lots of worry, lots of tears. Telling her means being ready to handle the fallout…she will make it into a big deal. On top of that, it means her entire family will find out…her relatives all know me.
When and how to tell her is a delicate issue-- want her to know yet I do not want the drama that will follow.
This coming out thing is a bitch.
See, there is this thing with Country Girl. She wants a guy…badly. I think at 26 she already feels the clock is ticking and she will end up an old cat lady. As much as those of us around her have tried to convince her otherwise, she’s had a hard time believing it. She’s had some rough times and challenges in her life and has had some esteem issues.
As a result, she gets very attached to her friends. Which in a way is very sweet, however it is not healthy for her. A couple of years ago, she fell for her best friend, call him Enviro Boy (an environmentalist). They had become close while at our university and when he graduated she took his leaving very hard. Eventually, she did come clean about her feelings and while he did not share them they are now back in the same city and still close.
Recently, she became very infatuated with another good friend. We’ll call him Fly Boy, because he works for the local airline. They met at work...he has a second job at the place she works. She says Fly Boy would be perfect for her, except for one thing...he’s gay. And now he’s decided to move to The Cheese State to live with an on-again-off-again boyfriend. We think he’s crazy but that’s another story in and of itself. She’s having a tough time with it, she says because of the fact he’s a friend leaving and not the crush.
And of course, she admits she had the requisite crush on MBA Man when he first came on the scene, but as I have said before that was true of many people. So, we’ve now established that CG falls for gays and men who are not interested…
Well, the other day she was telling me, and MBA Man, about the security guard at work that seems to have his eye on her, and she likes him too. We told her to ask him out, and are happy for her because:
1) The guy is interested
2) The guy is “real”…she’s tried the eHarmony thing to no avail
3) It is something for her to focus on besides Fly Boy’s anticipated departure
So anyway, MBA Man and I were joking with her about going on a date with this guy. He suggested they double with him and Photo Guy. I said we ought to make it a triple…that I should have “my guy” come down and join us. See, Country Girl found the joke about me and Apple Guy to be particularly funny and brings it up whenever I mention him…since I saw him last week it’s fresh again in her mind.
Note that these were IM conversations, and were not a group chat...e.g. Country Girl didn’t know what was being said on our end. I don’t remember exact wording but here is the jist:
MBA Man: “You are sooo totally hinting to Country Girl!”
Me: What is she saying to you?
MBA: She thinks you are sweet on Apple Guy or whatever…that the whole AG thing is funny.
Me: She brings up the joke EVERY TIME I mention his name, I just play on it, is that bad?
MBA: No, I just think it is funny
MBA: Don’t tell her on IM though
Me: I won’t
Basically, we continued to talk about the whole issue of me telling Country Girl. I commented that I sometimes wish she would just ask me if indeed she does suspect it…but it is hard to know. One minute she’ll be almost implying she knows, the next she’ll be commenting on my straightness. I have indeed been dropping hints, figuring that if there is suspicion it may soften the blow when she does hear it.
One thing MBA Man and I agreed on is that it will probably freak her out that yet another person in her small close circle is gay. I just remember the shock of MBA Man’s nrews…while she is a total ally it took her some time, and a trip to her counselor, to process.
She’s a very dramatic person at times. Lots of worry, lots of tears. Telling her means being ready to handle the fallout…she will make it into a big deal. On top of that, it means her entire family will find out…her relatives all know me.
When and how to tell her is a delicate issue-- want her to know yet I do not want the drama that will follow.
This coming out thing is a bitch.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I Am Me
Troystopher provides an insightful response to my "Are You Gay?" post. I certainly agree with the point that I do not want it to define who I am...it is only a small part of the whole of me. Yep, I have realized I am gay, but more importantly I AM ME.
Side note: I am honored to be referred to as one of his favorite blogs.
In other news, I had conversations last night with both Country Girl and MBA Man. Sounds like CG may have her eyes on a Country Boy, and the problems I mentioned a couple of weeks ago have been resolved for MBA Man, which is great.
Side note: I am honored to be referred to as one of his favorite blogs.
In other news, I had conversations last night with both Country Girl and MBA Man. Sounds like CG may have her eyes on a Country Boy, and the problems I mentioned a couple of weeks ago have been resolved for MBA Man, which is great.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
ATWT Update
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Are You Gay?
Over at DTB, Matt recently ruminated on the topic of the dreaded question:
Are you gay?
Personally, I think I am almost at the point where I’m ready to give a truthful reply. I almost wish some people would just ask that question, as it would be so easy to just answer “Yes” instead of having to sit and plan what to say and when. Sure, I’d still have some explaining to do and questions to answer, but it still seems like it would be easier for them to bring it up as opposed to me.
Of course I have been asked the question before, in jest, particularly by the person that gave me so much shit about my friendship with Apple Guy. I was actually amazed she didn’t make some comment on Friday, as she was with the SG folks that came down, Had she done so, I would have been so tempted to turn to her and say:
“Guess what A, I am gay, you caught me. I’ve always been and will always be. I was gay before you started all the teasing in September, and I will always be. Regardless, Apple Guy is a platonic buddy and always will be. Now please move on and let someone else be the focus of your jokes, because we’ve both had enough.”
Ah, the things that could have been said.
Are you gay?
Personally, I think I am almost at the point where I’m ready to give a truthful reply. I almost wish some people would just ask that question, as it would be so easy to just answer “Yes” instead of having to sit and plan what to say and when. Sure, I’d still have some explaining to do and questions to answer, but it still seems like it would be easier for them to bring it up as opposed to me.
Of course I have been asked the question before, in jest, particularly by the person that gave me so much shit about my friendship with Apple Guy. I was actually amazed she didn’t make some comment on Friday, as she was with the SG folks that came down, Had she done so, I would have been so tempted to turn to her and say:
“Guess what A, I am gay, you caught me. I’ve always been and will always be. I was gay before you started all the teasing in September, and I will always be. Regardless, Apple Guy is a platonic buddy and always will be. Now please move on and let someone else be the focus of your jokes, because we’ve both had enough.”
Ah, the things that could have been said.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
An Evening With the SG Crew
Friday night I attended a function put on by the state wide SG group I used to be part of. It was great to see so many people I haven't since at least April if not longer. Of course there were folks there from my old campus, and I got a chance to hang with them a bit. It was good to be back among those friends for a few hours...I've missed them in the months since graduating.
Hoping for a few more substantial posts in the coming week. Stay tuned.
Hoping for a few more substantial posts in the coming week. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Back
Yes, I am back. I had a great time at the conference I attended...learned some things, met lots of people in my desired profession, and have some contacts that could prove useful in finding a job and also choosing a graduate program.
The Advisor was there, as were a couple of others from my former school. I had thought about telling him what I'm currently going through, but it was not in the cards for us to have a conversation that did not involve several other people. So, I did not.
I had some interesting IM chats with MBA Man and Country Girl the past couple of days. Each is struggling with problems right now, and I hope all turns out OK.
The Advisor was there, as were a couple of others from my former school. I had thought about telling him what I'm currently going through, but it was not in the cards for us to have a conversation that did not involve several other people. So, I did not.
I had some interesting IM chats with MBA Man and Country Girl the past couple of days. Each is struggling with problems right now, and I hope all turns out OK.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
See You Wednesday...
Once again I have taken the weekend off, which seems to be a pattern for this blog.
I'm headed up to a conference for a couple of days and am leaving the trusty MacBook behind this trip.
So, it's highly unlikely I'll do any blog reading or writing until Wednesday. See you then!
I'm headed up to a conference for a couple of days and am leaving the trusty MacBook behind this trip.
So, it's highly unlikely I'll do any blog reading or writing until Wednesday. See you then!
Friday, October 19, 2007
The Facebook Factor
There seem to be a lot of people who debate when and whether to come out on Facebook. I most recently saw this on Frozen Underwear.
I currently have left the “Interested in” portion of my profile empty. A lot of people do this, especially those who like the same sex, it seems. Some might even say leaving that part out of your profile is an admission in itself…I know Joe did once on his blog. Not sure I agree, but he’s entitled to his view.
At the university I attended, there are currently seven men who say they are interested in men. I know for a fact there are more than seven gay or bi men on campus. Even Bi Boy, who was once out on Facebook, appears to have gone “back in”. I suspect it may be because potential employers may be checking, and the last thing one wants is to be outed at work before the interview.
I would love to say I will soon be coming out on Facebook. It would be a quick, easy, and relatively painless way to let people know. However, there are several reasons why I’m not:
1) The employer factor—they DO check Facebook, and it’s none of their business.
2) Family-Facebook friends include my sister and cousins…not ready to “go there” with them.
3) It’s impersonal
4) Perhaps most important-is it really the business of every one of my 400 some friends, and thousands of people in my school and regional networks to know if I’m gay or straight?
These four factors alone lead me to conclude that I will not be outing myself via Facebook anytime soon.
I currently have left the “Interested in” portion of my profile empty. A lot of people do this, especially those who like the same sex, it seems. Some might even say leaving that part out of your profile is an admission in itself…I know Joe did once on his blog. Not sure I agree, but he’s entitled to his view.
At the university I attended, there are currently seven men who say they are interested in men. I know for a fact there are more than seven gay or bi men on campus. Even Bi Boy, who was once out on Facebook, appears to have gone “back in”. I suspect it may be because potential employers may be checking, and the last thing one wants is to be outed at work before the interview.
I would love to say I will soon be coming out on Facebook. It would be a quick, easy, and relatively painless way to let people know. However, there are several reasons why I’m not:
1) The employer factor—they DO check Facebook, and it’s none of their business.
2) Family-Facebook friends include my sister and cousins…not ready to “go there” with them.
3) It’s impersonal
4) Perhaps most important-is it really the business of every one of my 400 some friends, and thousands of people in my school and regional networks to know if I’m gay or straight?
These four factors alone lead me to conclude that I will not be outing myself via Facebook anytime soon.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
An Example of Why I Swore Off AIM Chats
When I started this blog a few weeks back, I saw it as a fresh start. I left behind my old screen name as well, at least the one I had used in the AIM chats. From that point on I decided I would only talk to people I met through this blog and a few select others I chose to transfer over.
One of those transfers was someone I’ll call AIM Boy. My guess is we’ve been chatting about a year. He’s a local kid who like me, is very much in the closet. He has seemed like a nice guy and we’ve had a good mix of real conversation and “cyber fun”…if you get my drift.
One night last week, we were chatting and he told me he kinda liked me and thought I might be fun to hang out with. I’m not really looking for more at this point and it would not go further because:
1) We’re both in the closet
2) Neither is in a place for a relationship
3) The biggest one: he’s on the young side (18) and won’t be staying here—I may not be here beyond this year either depending on grad school
I'm apprehensive about meeting up with people from online. I've never done it. Regardless, I said maybe someday that would be ok, but he questioned that I was ever going to agree to meet him because of what he called my “paranoia” about anyone finding out I’m gay. To help prove I’m not paranoid, I let him see my Facebook—real name, pictures, email, phone numbers, the works.
Mistake. By the next morning he’d de-friended me and while he didn’t block me on AIM, has not responded to my “hellos” since. Obviously he saw something he disliked and instead of being a man and asking me about it, he’s simply cut off communication.
Rude, rather hurtful and a reminder that I made the right choice to ditch the AIM chat rooms.
One of those transfers was someone I’ll call AIM Boy. My guess is we’ve been chatting about a year. He’s a local kid who like me, is very much in the closet. He has seemed like a nice guy and we’ve had a good mix of real conversation and “cyber fun”…if you get my drift.
One night last week, we were chatting and he told me he kinda liked me and thought I might be fun to hang out with. I’m not really looking for more at this point and it would not go further because:
1) We’re both in the closet
2) Neither is in a place for a relationship
3) The biggest one: he’s on the young side (18) and won’t be staying here—I may not be here beyond this year either depending on grad school
I'm apprehensive about meeting up with people from online. I've never done it. Regardless, I said maybe someday that would be ok, but he questioned that I was ever going to agree to meet him because of what he called my “paranoia” about anyone finding out I’m gay. To help prove I’m not paranoid, I let him see my Facebook—real name, pictures, email, phone numbers, the works.
Mistake. By the next morning he’d de-friended me and while he didn’t block me on AIM, has not responded to my “hellos” since. Obviously he saw something he disliked and instead of being a man and asking me about it, he’s simply cut off communication.
Rude, rather hurtful and a reminder that I made the right choice to ditch the AIM chat rooms.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
The Winner is...
First off, thanks to those who voted in my weatherman survey. It appears my weatherman won. A couple of you brought up some things:
-Yes, he's WAY TOO TAN
-He is 26, although he does look about 12
Another blurb about him is here...thanks to Steve and Warren for the link.
Moving on...
I will be making some additions to the blogroll in the next day or so. Please check them out.
I appreciate all the emails and comments from new and returning readers, and have been fortunate to interact with many out there on AIM as well. Keep it coming, folks.
You'll notice the frequency of posts here may begin to slow a tad now...from the frenetic pace of a new blog to a more regular rhythm.
-Yes, he's WAY TOO TAN
-He is 26, although he does look about 12
Another blurb about him is here...thanks to Steve and Warren for the link.
Moving on...
I will be making some additions to the blogroll in the next day or so. Please check them out.
I appreciate all the emails and comments from new and returning readers, and have been fortunate to interact with many out there on AIM as well. Keep it coming, folks.
You'll notice the frequency of posts here may begin to slow a tad now...from the frenetic pace of a new blog to a more regular rhythm.
Monday, October 15, 2007
YouTube Humor
Some humorous takes on the Larry Craig mess, courtesy of YouTube.
Larry Craig: I Am Not Gay
If Larry Craig Were Gay
Larry Craig: I Am Not Gay
If Larry Craig Were Gay
Is My Weatherman Hotter Than Your Weatherman?
The other night I was on Facebook and noticed that a girl I know had joined “Absolut Sven” a fan group dedicated to a Minnesota TV personality. I decided I had to give her some major grief.
Why? Because as anyone who lives within the viewing area probably knows, Sven is the weekend weatherman for the Minneapolis NBC station. He has a good on-air persona, is a local boy, educated in our state university system and seems generally good at his job. He’s also young, athletic, and not bad looking—albeit about four feet tall and fake-baked beyond need, not unlike said station’s former anchor. Women love him, and they play up his sex appeal…including showing shirtless photographs of him running marathons during newscasts. One problem for the ladies, though--although it has never been expressly said , he likes gentlemen.
So, when I saw that this gal, the same one who had accused me and Apple Guy of “dating” apparently had the hots for this guy, I knew it was time to give her a little crap in return.
Upon looking around Facebook I discovered there were lots of groups dedicated to this guy. He’s being called everything from a “Weather God” to a “hobbit” and there’s even a group of people who claim he ran away from them at a local gay bar—apparently he enjoys hooking up with guys from the bar, but he must be a player with high standards.
Anyway, I think it is another funny example of women swooning over unattainable (GAY) men.
By the way, he blogs and there are plenty of pictures.
Survey: is my weatherman hotter than your weatherman?
Why? Because as anyone who lives within the viewing area probably knows, Sven is the weekend weatherman for the Minneapolis NBC station. He has a good on-air persona, is a local boy, educated in our state university system and seems generally good at his job. He’s also young, athletic, and not bad looking—albeit about four feet tall and fake-baked beyond need, not unlike said station’s former anchor. Women love him, and they play up his sex appeal…including showing shirtless photographs of him running marathons during newscasts. One problem for the ladies, though--although it has never been expressly said , he likes gentlemen.
So, when I saw that this gal, the same one who had accused me and Apple Guy of “dating” apparently had the hots for this guy, I knew it was time to give her a little crap in return.
Upon looking around Facebook I discovered there were lots of groups dedicated to this guy. He’s being called everything from a “Weather God” to a “hobbit” and there’s even a group of people who claim he ran away from them at a local gay bar—apparently he enjoys hooking up with guys from the bar, but he must be a player with high standards.
Anyway, I think it is another funny example of women swooning over unattainable (GAY) men.
By the way, he blogs and there are plenty of pictures.
Survey: is my weatherman hotter than your weatherman?
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Taking a Breather...
I'm taking the weekend off from posting here. As I have been putting out 2-3 a day since the beginning some of you may have catching up to do with reading and comments.
Thanks for reading!
New post coming Monday.
Thanks for reading!
New post coming Monday.
Friday, October 12, 2007
The Ones I Should Have Told...
All the stories from the past lead me to today.
I have not told anyone else beyond the four I've blogged about. I’m not ashamed of who I am necessarily, but it’s nerve wracking. I know this is not society’s “preferred” orientation. I’m also living with my parents again and I have a feeling that while they are supportive of my friendships with gay people, they may feel differently when they realize it’s their son. I want to be somewhat secure and moved out in case there is strain or backlash.
Additionally, living with the parents does make it hard to do much about anything. You’d think living close to the city I’d have explored the nightlife...not so much.
If I could go back I probably would have told two others while I was still in school:
1. Our SG advisor, who for lack of a better name in my head at the moment will be known as The Advisor. He’s a very nice guy and has become a mentor of mine, as I would like to get into similar work with college students. He also happens to be a gay guy. Apple Guy had suggested I talk to him when I hit “the breaking point” and I did—about everything EXCEPT the fact that I’m grappling with my sexuality.
2. Bi Boy- When I came out to Daisy Duke she suggested I tell him. I didn’t at the time because we had not had very many personal chats like that and it seemed out of place to tell him I’m coming to terms with being gay. In hindsight, however, it might have been nice to talk to someone who had been through the same kind of things.
And the journey continues...I've got more posts brewing all the time
I have not told anyone else beyond the four I've blogged about. I’m not ashamed of who I am necessarily, but it’s nerve wracking. I know this is not society’s “preferred” orientation. I’m also living with my parents again and I have a feeling that while they are supportive of my friendships with gay people, they may feel differently when they realize it’s their son. I want to be somewhat secure and moved out in case there is strain or backlash.
Additionally, living with the parents does make it hard to do much about anything. You’d think living close to the city I’d have explored the nightlife...not so much.
If I could go back I probably would have told two others while I was still in school:
1. Our SG advisor, who for lack of a better name in my head at the moment will be known as The Advisor. He’s a very nice guy and has become a mentor of mine, as I would like to get into similar work with college students. He also happens to be a gay guy. Apple Guy had suggested I talk to him when I hit “the breaking point” and I did—about everything EXCEPT the fact that I’m grappling with my sexuality.
2. Bi Boy- When I came out to Daisy Duke she suggested I tell him. I didn’t at the time because we had not had very many personal chats like that and it seemed out of place to tell him I’m coming to terms with being gay. In hindsight, however, it might have been nice to talk to someone who had been through the same kind of things.
And the journey continues...I've got more posts brewing all the time
Daisy Duke Learns My Secret
A week after the dinner with MBA Man and Photo Guy, I told Daisy Duke.
It was a Friday afternoon in the SG office, and no one was around. I told her about how two of the girls had stopped by my dorm room the previous evening and joked with me about my place on the Kinsey scale that they were studying in Human Sexuality class. I told her that if they knew the truth they would probably crap their pants. Then I basically explained the conversation with Apple Guy again, because of course she’d heard about it.
She was great about it—asked how long I’d felt this way, If my parents knew, etc…the general questions, but was totally understanding.
Afterwards, I emailed MBA Man:
“…This whole thing is just, well weird. I'm sure it always is. But up until 2 weeks ago I didn't have the slightest desire to address this with anyone, except maybe you guys...honestly I'd planned to tell you even before the whole [Apple Guy] conversation. It's as if a switch flipped. Is it that I'd finally had enough of the jokes? Is it that I'm leaving and figure a select few that I intend to keep in contact with should know? Why now...its not like these are new feelings. I know you don't have the answers but sometimes typing them out helps I guess LOL. I can't exactly blog this as you did...”
Of course I have ended up blogging it.
He responded:
“I think that you have now started to tell people due to the combination of everything. You are leaving and you realize that it doesn't really matter and you probably have had enough. Basically, that is what it takes, really. It all comes to a point when you have had enough and realize it does not mater one iota what other people think. Some people never get this far, and deny it all their lives. We all just want to be happy and this is the first step to doing so. Trust me...it only gets easier too. However, it does seem like you have lost something...almost like you held something over all of society and now you are like...too bad suckers...I am free!!!! “
I don’t know if I felt free, and I still don’t but there is truth there. His support has been invaluable.
It was a Friday afternoon in the SG office, and no one was around. I told her about how two of the girls had stopped by my dorm room the previous evening and joked with me about my place on the Kinsey scale that they were studying in Human Sexuality class. I told her that if they knew the truth they would probably crap their pants. Then I basically explained the conversation with Apple Guy again, because of course she’d heard about it.
She was great about it—asked how long I’d felt this way, If my parents knew, etc…the general questions, but was totally understanding.
Afterwards, I emailed MBA Man:
“…This whole thing is just, well weird. I'm sure it always is. But up until 2 weeks ago I didn't have the slightest desire to address this with anyone, except maybe you guys...honestly I'd planned to tell you even before the whole [Apple Guy] conversation. It's as if a switch flipped. Is it that I'd finally had enough of the jokes? Is it that I'm leaving and figure a select few that I intend to keep in contact with should know? Why now...its not like these are new feelings. I know you don't have the answers but sometimes typing them out helps I guess LOL. I can't exactly blog this as you did...”
Of course I have ended up blogging it.
He responded:
“I think that you have now started to tell people due to the combination of everything. You are leaving and you realize that it doesn't really matter and you probably have had enough. Basically, that is what it takes, really. It all comes to a point when you have had enough and realize it does not mater one iota what other people think. Some people never get this far, and deny it all their lives. We all just want to be happy and this is the first step to doing so. Trust me...it only gets easier too. However, it does seem like you have lost something...almost like you held something over all of society and now you are like...too bad suckers...I am free!!!! “
I don’t know if I felt free, and I still don’t but there is truth there. His support has been invaluable.
Tidbits
Warning: This may be a 3-4 post day, I've got some in draft.
First, a few random musings.
First, a few random musings.
- I am not a gossip king, although the previous post might give you that impression. Yes, I told Country Girl, but no one else...and I think MBA Man was happy she knew. My relationship with him only got closer after that.
- Feed readers are a godsend. I count 46 blogs that I currently read. If you're not syndicating you should be.
- It's Josh K. "Birthday Week" over at J&J. Drop by and wish him well.
- What is a "Birthday Week"? Is it a custom for gays to stretch out celebrations? If so, rock on!
- Cody over at Alternativ Life is coming out this weekend...good luck, buddy!
- Troystopher taught his mom to text (mine would be hopeless) and now has a real date with Topher...go boy!
- I never heard the name Topher before the actor Topher Grace, and now I hear it all the time. The new "Chandler?" There must be too many Chrises.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
In the Spirit of the Day...
No, I am not going to come out to a bunch of people today. But, I’m going to take a break from my chronology of Stories From the Past and back track a bit. Troystopher’s post on National Coming Out Day made me think a little bit more about the events surrounding MBA Man’s coming out to me.
I’ll admit that I’m human, and like in the essay Troystopher posted, I did tell someone else MBA Man’s secret. As I read through his Live Journal that September night for the second time, I was having a tough time getting over the initial shock. He was not someone I’d have ever thought was gay.
Enter Country Girl (who loves country music), a mutual friend of MBA Man and me. I often talked to her on MSN in the evenings, and that night was no exception. I was so shocked and confused by what I was reading…the whole blog was a lot to take in. I had to talk to somebody. I tried to tell her what was going on without names, but it didn’t work…
So, I swore her to secrecy and told her that I’d gotten the email and read the LJ and discovered this about our friend. She was more surprised than I, and we talked about it at length, really over the next few days. We both were feeling for him, knowing what bumpy road might be ahead, especially for a Catholic kid from a town even smaller than where we were at school. She wanted badly to contact him about it, but I asked her not to until I was able to tell him she knew. She agreed.
I felt really guilty about outing him to Country Girl, because I’m not one to blab secrets. I decided that it was important I tell him in person, so when we met for dinner a few weeks later I told him she knew. I was relieved to see he was OK with it, and he may have even said he figured I would let her know, I don’t really recall.
I know how important it is to keep the confidence of friends, but I also know that being told something that almost no one around you knows can weigh really heavily. I am grateful to MBA Man for having understood my need to talk to another friend about what he’d told me.
Another reason he’s the best kind of friend anyone could hope for.
I’ll admit that I’m human, and like in the essay Troystopher posted, I did tell someone else MBA Man’s secret. As I read through his Live Journal that September night for the second time, I was having a tough time getting over the initial shock. He was not someone I’d have ever thought was gay.
Enter Country Girl (who loves country music), a mutual friend of MBA Man and me. I often talked to her on MSN in the evenings, and that night was no exception. I was so shocked and confused by what I was reading…the whole blog was a lot to take in. I had to talk to somebody. I tried to tell her what was going on without names, but it didn’t work…
So, I swore her to secrecy and told her that I’d gotten the email and read the LJ and discovered this about our friend. She was more surprised than I, and we talked about it at length, really over the next few days. We both were feeling for him, knowing what bumpy road might be ahead, especially for a Catholic kid from a town even smaller than where we were at school. She wanted badly to contact him about it, but I asked her not to until I was able to tell him she knew. She agreed.
I felt really guilty about outing him to Country Girl, because I’m not one to blab secrets. I decided that it was important I tell him in person, so when we met for dinner a few weeks later I told him she knew. I was relieved to see he was OK with it, and he may have even said he figured I would let her know, I don’t really recall.
I know how important it is to keep the confidence of friends, but I also know that being told something that almost no one around you knows can weigh really heavily. I am grateful to MBA Man for having understood my need to talk to another friend about what he’d told me.
Another reason he’s the best kind of friend anyone could hope for.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
"Homo Lingo"
Pete brings up something interesting.
I don't get "homo lingo"
Why are we supposed to call each other homos? When did bitch become slang for friend?
And what exactly is a twink? All I know is they're young, and sometimes it's lengthened to twinkie, not to be confused with the snack cake.
It's gonna take time to get the hang of all this.
I don't get "homo lingo"
Why are we supposed to call each other homos? When did bitch become slang for friend?
And what exactly is a twink? All I know is they're young, and sometimes it's lengthened to twinkie, not to be confused with the snack cake.
It's gonna take time to get the hang of all this.
After The Breaking Point
About two weeks after the late night conversation with Apple Guy, I was back home for a weekend visit and met MBA Man and Photo Guy for dinner. I don’t think I will ever forget the date or location, just as I won’t forget the day or location of the conversation with Apple Guy. It was April 7, 2007 at TGI Friday’s—the same restaurant I’d had dinner at with MBA Man weeks after he’d come out to me in 2004.
I knew going into the evening that this was it. The time had come to tell them. I wasn't even especially nervous, it was just something that needed to be done.
Most of the dinner conversation was the usual banter. Toward the end though, I basically recounted what had happened at the conference. MBA Man turned to me, with a look of half smile, half surprise and asked “Are you trying to tell us something” and I think I said something like “Yes, I suppose I am”…
I don’t think I ever even had to use the word gay. I had imagined they probably sensed it anyway, which was confirmed by MBA Man stating he was only “kinda” surprised, and Photo Guy’s reaction, which was pretty much “You can come out with us when you move back!”
Of course they asked if anyone else knew, and if I was planning on telling my parents anytime soon. The answer was and is no.
They’ve been supportive as can be, as evidenced by more email excerpts between me and MBA Man:
From me:
“...I know I kind of dropped a bomb on you too. I can only imagine how [Apple Guy] must have felt. I hadn’t exactly planned on saying anything to him either, but we are close, I do trust him, and I wanted him to know why I don’t answer those questions…especially after he questioned me in the group and said he “didn’t think I was in touch with myself” I thought it was time he became aware that in fact I am trying to “get in touch” and figure out what I want in my life. As for you guys, I’ve wanted to say something for some time. But as you know it’s not something you just say randomly. Not that Saturday wasn’t a random time to do it…but it was time. And I knew you wouldn’t be totally shocked…we have known each other for too long and I figured you had no doubt picked up on the fact I don’t enjoy answering love life questions. And I doubt [Photo Guy] would have ever asked me if there were boys in my life if he didn’t think it was possible…and that was when he hardly knew me.
I’ve by no means reached a point in my life where I’m ready to discuss this with most people around me, or even say with 100 percent certainty that it’s who I am. However, I do know that I can’t deny the likelihood any longer…especially to friends like you who’ve gone through the self questioning. You’ve always been great to me and I know you always will be. Thank you for that—I love you both...”
From MBA Man:
“…We both 100% know what you are going through. There is no need to feel like you to have to explain anything. We have both been through and know all too well. With all this being said, feel free to talk to either of us at anytime. You have got my # and I will talk whenever you need…”
It felt good to get it off my chest, and I was so thankful for the support of them both…and still am.
I knew going into the evening that this was it. The time had come to tell them. I wasn't even especially nervous, it was just something that needed to be done.
Most of the dinner conversation was the usual banter. Toward the end though, I basically recounted what had happened at the conference. MBA Man turned to me, with a look of half smile, half surprise and asked “Are you trying to tell us something” and I think I said something like “Yes, I suppose I am”…
I don’t think I ever even had to use the word gay. I had imagined they probably sensed it anyway, which was confirmed by MBA Man stating he was only “kinda” surprised, and Photo Guy’s reaction, which was pretty much “You can come out with us when you move back!”
Of course they asked if anyone else knew, and if I was planning on telling my parents anytime soon. The answer was and is no.
They’ve been supportive as can be, as evidenced by more email excerpts between me and MBA Man:
From me:
“...I know I kind of dropped a bomb on you too. I can only imagine how [Apple Guy] must have felt. I hadn’t exactly planned on saying anything to him either, but we are close, I do trust him, and I wanted him to know why I don’t answer those questions…especially after he questioned me in the group and said he “didn’t think I was in touch with myself” I thought it was time he became aware that in fact I am trying to “get in touch” and figure out what I want in my life. As for you guys, I’ve wanted to say something for some time. But as you know it’s not something you just say randomly. Not that Saturday wasn’t a random time to do it…but it was time. And I knew you wouldn’t be totally shocked…we have known each other for too long and I figured you had no doubt picked up on the fact I don’t enjoy answering love life questions. And I doubt [Photo Guy] would have ever asked me if there were boys in my life if he didn’t think it was possible…and that was when he hardly knew me.
I’ve by no means reached a point in my life where I’m ready to discuss this with most people around me, or even say with 100 percent certainty that it’s who I am. However, I do know that I can’t deny the likelihood any longer…especially to friends like you who’ve gone through the self questioning. You’ve always been great to me and I know you always will be. Thank you for that—I love you both...”
From MBA Man:
“…We both 100% know what you are going through. There is no need to feel like you to have to explain anything. We have both been through and know all too well. With all this being said, feel free to talk to either of us at anytime. You have got my # and I will talk whenever you need…”
It felt good to get it off my chest, and I was so thankful for the support of them both…and still am.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
The Breaking Point: Telling Apple Guy
By March 2007, my entire life was weighing on me pretty heavily. I’d been student teaching, and it had been "interesting" to say the least. I was stressed and too often crabby. I was a mess inside and out.
I reached the breaking point at the conference we attended at the end of the month. That Friday, on the way to the cities, the others in the car had been talking about what they wanted in a boyfriend or girlfriend. This was nothing new, and when my turn came I passed as usual, and was teased about it as usual. One girl, the same one behind “The Joke” made some comments about whether or not I liked girls, and Apple Guy said he thought the reason I never answered those kinds of questions was that I wasn’t in touch with myself.
Saturday night, after a long day, I had a few drinks in one of the hotel rooms with a few people. When I decided I’d had enough and was ready to go back to my room, a few of them gave me grief about it. Again, nothing new, but with my emotions on hair-trigger from everything that was going on, it made me angry.
I was upset. I steamed for a few minutes, and then went and sat in the lobby for a while, where I had a tipsy conversation with one of our college deans who happened to be staying at the same hotel that weekend. Thankfully she didn’t seem to notice my being under the influence.
I called Apple Guy and told him we needed to talk when he returned to the hotel, as he’d left in the interim. He got back to our room and a conversation ensued that must have lasted two hours. I laid out everything that had been bothering me, and without planning to, explained why I had never answered the ideal girl question—because I was indeed trying to “ get in touch with myself and what I wanted—and maybe the ideal girl for me wasn’t a girl at all.
He was as supportive and kind at that moment as I think he could have been.
Many people who attended the conference that weekend from our delegation later asked me what we discussed. A few had listened to some of it through the door, and although they couldn’t make out many words they could tell it was serious. I simply explained that we’d talked about many things, and that a combination of factors had made me upset and Apple Guy had been a supportive listening ear. I didn’t explain further and largely was not pressured to do so.
I reached the breaking point at the conference we attended at the end of the month. That Friday, on the way to the cities, the others in the car had been talking about what they wanted in a boyfriend or girlfriend. This was nothing new, and when my turn came I passed as usual, and was teased about it as usual. One girl, the same one behind “The Joke” made some comments about whether or not I liked girls, and Apple Guy said he thought the reason I never answered those kinds of questions was that I wasn’t in touch with myself.
Saturday night, after a long day, I had a few drinks in one of the hotel rooms with a few people. When I decided I’d had enough and was ready to go back to my room, a few of them gave me grief about it. Again, nothing new, but with my emotions on hair-trigger from everything that was going on, it made me angry.
I was upset. I steamed for a few minutes, and then went and sat in the lobby for a while, where I had a tipsy conversation with one of our college deans who happened to be staying at the same hotel that weekend. Thankfully she didn’t seem to notice my being under the influence.
I called Apple Guy and told him we needed to talk when he returned to the hotel, as he’d left in the interim. He got back to our room and a conversation ensued that must have lasted two hours. I laid out everything that had been bothering me, and without planning to, explained why I had never answered the ideal girl question—because I was indeed trying to “ get in touch with myself and what I wanted—and maybe the ideal girl for me wasn’t a girl at all.
He was as supportive and kind at that moment as I think he could have been.
Many people who attended the conference that weekend from our delegation later asked me what we discussed. A few had listened to some of it through the door, and although they couldn’t make out many words they could tell it was serious. I simply explained that we’d talked about many things, and that a combination of factors had made me upset and Apple Guy had been a supportive listening ear. I didn’t explain further and largely was not pressured to do so.
The Gay Bar-January 07
This past Christmas Break I was home in the suburbs. I went downtown and spent an evening with MBA Man and Photo Guy at their then-condo.
During dinner, MBA Man said to me that they were going out later and taking me with. Afterward, we were relaxing in the living room and he seemed content to stay in. Photo Guy was determined to go out with their other friend who’d joined us, with or without MBA Man and me.
Recalling an earlier promise I’d made to let them take me out, I agreed to go. Of course this was after about a half hour of back and forth between them and reassuring them that it was ok, I could handle whatever place they wanted to go.
I asked if I could stay the night on their sofa, since my mother had dropped me off and calling her for a ride home at 2 am buzzed seemed like a bad plan. They agreed, I called and told her I was staying over, and we were off to one of the local bars.
I’m not an experienced “bar fly” to begin with, so it was an interesting experience. Closeted man in a gay bar with gay friends…it was odd. I was out of my element. Didn’t stray too far from my friends either, as I was not about to get lost in the crowd in an unfamiliar place.
But I had a good time, even danced a little after a couple drinks.
The funniest part was the reactions the next day. My mom asked what the place was like. My sister asked if I had been hit on. Answer: No…possibly because there were 4 of us so it appeared to be two couples. I wasn’t exactly looking to get hit on either. And later that night, at a dinner with family friends, where inevitably I ended up telling the story, the 20 year old daughter told me excitedly that she’d been to this bar once on 18+ night with her then-boyfriend’s gay brother.
Certainly an evening I won’t forget.
During dinner, MBA Man said to me that they were going out later and taking me with. Afterward, we were relaxing in the living room and he seemed content to stay in. Photo Guy was determined to go out with their other friend who’d joined us, with or without MBA Man and me.
Recalling an earlier promise I’d made to let them take me out, I agreed to go. Of course this was after about a half hour of back and forth between them and reassuring them that it was ok, I could handle whatever place they wanted to go.
I asked if I could stay the night on their sofa, since my mother had dropped me off and calling her for a ride home at 2 am buzzed seemed like a bad plan. They agreed, I called and told her I was staying over, and we were off to one of the local bars.
I’m not an experienced “bar fly” to begin with, so it was an interesting experience. Closeted man in a gay bar with gay friends…it was odd. I was out of my element. Didn’t stray too far from my friends either, as I was not about to get lost in the crowd in an unfamiliar place.
But I had a good time, even danced a little after a couple drinks.
The funniest part was the reactions the next day. My mom asked what the place was like. My sister asked if I had been hit on. Answer: No…possibly because there were 4 of us so it appeared to be two couples. I wasn’t exactly looking to get hit on either. And later that night, at a dinner with family friends, where inevitably I ended up telling the story, the 20 year old daughter told me excitedly that she’d been to this bar once on 18+ night with her then-boyfriend’s gay brother.
Certainly an evening I won’t forget.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Connecting With Fellow Bloggers
It's funny how quickly this blog is getting picked up. It's as if there's a "Gay/ Coming Out Blog Club" or something. We all seem to read each other--and that's really cool. Thanks to those who've reached out in the blog's first few days.
- Joe over at IJJ gave me a nice plug--thanks Joe.
- I've been having IM converstions with Troystopher recently. He's a really good guy folks, check him out if you haven't.
- Also, I've connected with Cody over at Alternativ Life and Matt from Closet NS. Also good folks--if you have AIM out there, feel free to say Hi.
The Joke and The Bet
For the next installment of “Stories From the Past” I’ll fast forward to Fall 2006, the beginning of the “weird year”
It started off with a long running and wholly inappropriate joke about my being involved with a good friend and student government colleague, Apple Guy (because of his like of Apple stuff) Another girl in SG started the joke when the two of us were going out to dinner and she was not invited. We were then “dating” in her eyes. We laughed it off. Note: Apple Guy is straight and I treat him like a brother so there was/is nothing more there.
But…Ironically the joke and his penchant for calling EVERYONE “sweetie” “pumpkin” etc. raised questions about Apple Guy among some. At one point I discovered that two more friends and colleagues…Daisy Duke (Loves the Dukes of Hazzard) and Bi Boy (plays for both teams) had engaged in a bet to see who could make out with Apple Guy first. I confronted her on this, telling her that if she and Bi Boy were trying to out him, it was not right. All the while I thought how horrible it would be if that were ever done to me.
She assured they were not, but revealed that Bi Boy was indeed bi and had a crush on Apple Guy for some time. The whole revelation was just strange.
It started off with a long running and wholly inappropriate joke about my being involved with a good friend and student government colleague, Apple Guy (because of his like of Apple stuff) Another girl in SG started the joke when the two of us were going out to dinner and she was not invited. We were then “dating” in her eyes. We laughed it off. Note: Apple Guy is straight and I treat him like a brother so there was/is nothing more there.
But…Ironically the joke and his penchant for calling EVERYONE “sweetie” “pumpkin” etc. raised questions about Apple Guy among some. At one point I discovered that two more friends and colleagues…Daisy Duke (Loves the Dukes of Hazzard) and Bi Boy (plays for both teams) had engaged in a bet to see who could make out with Apple Guy first. I confronted her on this, telling her that if she and Bi Boy were trying to out him, it was not right. All the while I thought how horrible it would be if that were ever done to me.
She assured they were not, but revealed that Bi Boy was indeed bi and had a crush on Apple Guy for some time. The whole revelation was just strange.
Are There Boys in Your Life?
In March of 2005, several months after MBA Man had come out to me, I returned to the cities for another conference. This time, he decided it was time I, and everyone else there, met Photo Guy, (so named based on his profession of photographer) the person he’d dated since that October. It was a short and unplanned introduction ( I didn’t know they were BOTH coming until they showed up at the hotel) but Photo Guy seemed nice enough.
In May, the two of them decided to make a trip up to our college town to visit and spend a day at the nearby state park. We made dinner plans for the evening they arrived in town. It was the first time I was to really have a chance to interact with them as a couple.
During dinner, the conversation turned to my love life, when MBA Man asked if there were any girls in my life. Of course I replied that there were not. Photo Guy took the question a step further and asked about boys. MBA Man started to apologize for that, but I said it was a fair question and gave an accurate answer—no girls or boys were in my life romantically.
Photo Guy hardly knew me at that time, but his radar must have been good. I knew deep down he never would have asked that question if he didn’t sense a “Yes” was a possibility.
In May, the two of them decided to make a trip up to our college town to visit and spend a day at the nearby state park. We made dinner plans for the evening they arrived in town. It was the first time I was to really have a chance to interact with them as a couple.
During dinner, the conversation turned to my love life, when MBA Man asked if there were any girls in my life. Of course I replied that there were not. Photo Guy took the question a step further and asked about boys. MBA Man started to apologize for that, but I said it was a fair question and gave an accurate answer—no girls or boys were in my life romantically.
Photo Guy hardly knew me at that time, but his radar must have been good. I knew deep down he never would have asked that question if he didn’t sense a “Yes” was a possibility.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
A Little More on the Previous Post
After reading my post about the friendship with MBA Man, one might wonder why I did not tell him immediately after he came out to me and why I did not suspect he was gay all along.
Why I didn’t tell him:
I was someone he told very early on in his coming out process. He had not been open at school and was only telling people on a “need to know” basis. Later, I was told that I was the first person he told just because he wanted to, not because he felt it was a must. I also knew it was rough, and even if I had been ready to spill the beans, it was my time to be a supportive friend—not the one in need of support myself.
Why I didn’t know:
At that time, and frankly to this day, I have not had many gay friends. Thus, my “gaydar” is not particularly acute.
In retrospect there were a few clues:
-He never talked about girls, and was not dating as far as anyone knew—I later learned he had in fact had a boyfriend he hid very well from everyone.
-He once offered to take me shopping and pick out an outfit for me. What straight guy does that??
-He gave me a ride home for break once, and if I recall correctly the music on that drive included Britney Spears and Hilary Duff. Not a dead give away, but also not general straight guy listening fare.
Why I didn’t tell him:
I was someone he told very early on in his coming out process. He had not been open at school and was only telling people on a “need to know” basis. Later, I was told that I was the first person he told just because he wanted to, not because he felt it was a must. I also knew it was rough, and even if I had been ready to spill the beans, it was my time to be a supportive friend—not the one in need of support myself.
Why I didn’t know:
At that time, and frankly to this day, I have not had many gay friends. Thus, my “gaydar” is not particularly acute.
In retrospect there were a few clues:
-He never talked about girls, and was not dating as far as anyone knew—I later learned he had in fact had a boyfriend he hid very well from everyone.
-He once offered to take me shopping and pick out an outfit for me. What straight guy does that??
-He gave me a ride home for break once, and if I recall correctly the music on that drive included Britney Spears and Hilary Duff. Not a dead give away, but also not general straight guy listening fare.
Friendship Means the World...
I was also introduced to a guy during my sophomore year in college, let's call him MBA Man (since he later went to grad school for that) who would become a close friend and, unbeknownst to me, the first person to come out to me after having known me for a while--As opposed to me knowing he was gay to begin with.
He'd gone to the U and come back to school at our university to take business classes. At first I never would have expected we’d end up friends—I misjudged him as a typical jerky, preppy fratboy, and we didn’t really socialize.
About mid-winter, we began to become friends. I don’t know exactly what happened. He was going through a rough time: his brother was very ill (cancer, has since recovered, thankfully) I did my best to reach out. We just hit it off as friends, better than I ever imagined. Maybe we unconsciously knew that the other was hiding the same secret? By the time he left in late April, we were much closer, and I continued to communicate with him through the summer.
By this point it was the fall of 2004. A couple of days into the school year, I received an email from MBA Man, which was pretty normal. However at the end, he asked me to read his blog and gave me the address, stating it was really personal but that I should read it and ask questions if I had them.
I realized upon reading that it was his way of coming out to me. I was quite surprised, but nothing changed between us. Following is an excerpt of the email I sent him the day I read the journal (edited to remove names):
"...I had the opportunity to read your LiveJournal last night. Clearly you have had much on your mind and have been under a lot of stress of late. Yes, it was quite personal, but I want you to know that you can trust me...you need not fear judgement from me, and what is private will stay that way. You can talk to me.
Very simply, you are awesome!! (In [Chair] terms, a guy worthy of many "Gold Stars") I have a great deal of love and respect for you as a friend, leader, and most importantly as a person. You are one of the kindest, most generous, caring people I know. You've always been extremely good to me, and treated me like I imagine a big brother might. I feel thankful and blessed to know you and have you in my life. The love and respect I have for you is unconditional. Nothing you tell me will ever change that. You are the same [person] I have always known...the person that makes me laugh. The person that always lended me a hand on [committee] when I needed one. The person who brought me out of my shell more than I have ever been..."
I met him for dinner a few weeks later when I was in the cities for a conference. We talked about a lot of things…life, his coming out process, his new relationship… I wanted to say something to him right then, let him know that he was not alone, but the time wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready.
He'd gone to the U and come back to school at our university to take business classes. At first I never would have expected we’d end up friends—I misjudged him as a typical jerky, preppy fratboy, and we didn’t really socialize.
About mid-winter, we began to become friends. I don’t know exactly what happened. He was going through a rough time: his brother was very ill (cancer, has since recovered, thankfully) I did my best to reach out. We just hit it off as friends, better than I ever imagined. Maybe we unconsciously knew that the other was hiding the same secret? By the time he left in late April, we were much closer, and I continued to communicate with him through the summer.
By this point it was the fall of 2004. A couple of days into the school year, I received an email from MBA Man, which was pretty normal. However at the end, he asked me to read his blog and gave me the address, stating it was really personal but that I should read it and ask questions if I had them.
I realized upon reading that it was his way of coming out to me. I was quite surprised, but nothing changed between us. Following is an excerpt of the email I sent him the day I read the journal (edited to remove names):
"...I had the opportunity to read your LiveJournal last night. Clearly you have had much on your mind and have been under a lot of stress of late. Yes, it was quite personal, but I want you to know that you can trust me...you need not fear judgement from me, and what is private will stay that way. You can talk to me.
Very simply, you are awesome!! (In [Chair] terms, a guy worthy of many "Gold Stars") I have a great deal of love and respect for you as a friend, leader, and most importantly as a person. You are one of the kindest, most generous, caring people I know. You've always been extremely good to me, and treated me like I imagine a big brother might. I feel thankful and blessed to know you and have you in my life. The love and respect I have for you is unconditional. Nothing you tell me will ever change that. You are the same [person] I have always known...the person that makes me laugh. The person that always lended me a hand on [committee] when I needed one. The person who brought me out of my shell more than I have ever been..."
I met him for dinner a few weeks later when I was in the cities for a conference. We talked about a lot of things…life, his coming out process, his new relationship… I wanted to say something to him right then, let him know that he was not alone, but the time wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
A Few Notes...
First, there will probably be 2-3 posts a day for the next few. I've been working on the "Stories from the Past" for a while, so they are ready to go up pretty quickly. I also want to fill in the gaps so I can get to today.
I added a Welcome section to the sidebar. It's pretty self explanatory. Also, my "Blogs to Check Out" will continue to grow, so look for new additions.
A shout out to Eliot, my first commenter. Check him out at Daily Briefing. If you're a new reader, feel free to drop me a comment to let me know you're out there!
I added a Welcome section to the sidebar. It's pretty self explanatory. Also, my "Blogs to Check Out" will continue to grow, so look for new additions.
A shout out to Eliot, my first commenter. Check him out at Daily Briefing. If you're a new reader, feel free to drop me a comment to let me know you're out there!
College
By the time I entered college, I was pretty sure who I was, but I was in no position to reveal it. It was a small town and small campus, and things like that spread fast. I knew few GLB people, and those that I did seemed to be activist types. I had no interest in becoming an activist. Plus I was becoming well known on campus—and wasn’t ready for large numbers of people to know. The freshman year was uneventful.
My sophomore year was interesting. An openly lesbian couple joined the student government, which I had become part of early on. They were a couple of nice older than average women, and we got along well. Once, one called me a “fag hag” at a conference and had to explain it was kind of a good thing...I had no idea.
My sophomore year was interesting. An openly lesbian couple joined the student government, which I had become part of early on. They were a couple of nice older than average women, and we got along well. Once, one called me a “fag hag” at a conference and had to explain it was kind of a good thing...I had no idea.
Growing Up...
This is the first installment of what I'll call "Stories From the Past" that will help explain how I got to where I am. They are taken in part from that original writing I did in September --I 'll also introduce friends along the way, and they may be referred to by initials or "code names."
When I was a kid, I never really developed much interest in the opposite sex. My sister used to ask me in a joking manner if I was gay. At the time I never thought much of it…I mean, how important is it to be thinking about that when you are 7, 8, or 10 years old. Hindsight says she probably sensed it then, and does now.
I think I first realized something was up in middle school. I remember about eighth grade, there was a guy in one of my classes that would walk around in sleeveless tees. It was Industrial Tech, so he’d take off his overshirt in the shop—the teacher didn’t care as long as he was still clothed. He was athletic and I remember thinking he was attractive but I dismissed it, because in my mind there was no way I could be “that way”…and he sure wasn’t.
High school largely came and went. I never really was interested in any girls, and I had put any possibility of the other out of my mind, I didn’t date. I had a couple of female friends, but they were nothing more than that. At one point I nearly got into a relationship with one of them, but ultimately we both realized there was nothing romantic about our relationship. Oh well.
When I was a kid, I never really developed much interest in the opposite sex. My sister used to ask me in a joking manner if I was gay. At the time I never thought much of it…I mean, how important is it to be thinking about that when you are 7, 8, or 10 years old. Hindsight says she probably sensed it then, and does now.
I think I first realized something was up in middle school. I remember about eighth grade, there was a guy in one of my classes that would walk around in sleeveless tees. It was Industrial Tech, so he’d take off his overshirt in the shop—the teacher didn’t care as long as he was still clothed. He was athletic and I remember thinking he was attractive but I dismissed it, because in my mind there was no way I could be “that way”…and he sure wasn’t.
High school largely came and went. I never really was interested in any girls, and I had put any possibility of the other out of my mind, I didn’t date. I had a couple of female friends, but they were nothing more than that. At one point I nearly got into a relationship with one of them, but ultimately we both realized there was nothing romantic about our relationship. Oh well.
Friday, October 5, 2007
ATWT
Yes, I admit it. I have been following the "Nuke" story with some regularity on the CBS soap "As the World Turns." Normally I HATE soaps but as I have been home the last few months looking for a job, the story has caught my attention.
See clips of the story so far on YouTube-sdc100.
Next week's preview shows Col. Mayer shooting someone and Luke in the hospital..."Why can't I feel my legs?!" Honestly, if they decide to paralyze the character, I would find that depressing and unnecessary.
See clips of the story so far on YouTube-sdc100.
Next week's preview shows Col. Mayer shooting someone and Luke in the hospital..."Why can't I feel my legs?!" Honestly, if they decide to paralyze the character, I would find that depressing and unnecessary.
Why a Blog?
As I mentioned in my Welcome, I have actually been a reader and writer of blogs for a while. Some time ago, I stumbled upon the first two I had read by openly gay authors: Josh and Josh and InnerJoeJoe. I wasn't looking for "gay blogs" per se, I just liked what these guys were doing.
Needless to say, I soon discovered that there were lots of guys out there that were writing about going through the things I'd been grappling with. It was good to see that I was not alone. Some of those blogs will now be added to the list I will keep here.
In September, I happened upon A Boy's Life in Utah through a link on IJJ. I was immediately struck by the courage of the kid...to be going through the coming out process in a place where being anything but straight is probably a major no-no...I mean, you do not get much more conservative than Utah.
As I read his posts, I was inspired to start putting my own story so far into words. I started writing in a Word document about how I got to where I am at this point in the process. I knew I wanted to turn it into a blog, but it needed to be more anonymous than my main blog. So, I took the time to create a new account and "Figuring Myself Out" was born.
Needless to say, I soon discovered that there were lots of guys out there that were writing about going through the things I'd been grappling with. It was good to see that I was not alone. Some of those blogs will now be added to the list I will keep here.
In September, I happened upon A Boy's Life in Utah through a link on IJJ. I was immediately struck by the courage of the kid...to be going through the coming out process in a place where being anything but straight is probably a major no-no...I mean, you do not get much more conservative than Utah.
As I read his posts, I was inspired to start putting my own story so far into words. I started writing in a Word document about how I got to where I am at this point in the process. I knew I wanted to turn it into a blog, but it needed to be more anonymous than my main blog. So, I took the time to create a new account and "Figuring Myself Out" was born.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Welcome
Welcome to “Figuring Myself Out”
I’m starting this blog in an attempt to do just that. It’s something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while now. You see, I’ve actually been a blogger for some time, however I needed a more anonymous venue in which to write my thoughts about some things. I need to be able to vent about frustrations and talk about aspects of my personal life that I am not yet comfortable addressing in front of friends, family, coworkers, mentors and the like on my main personal blog.
Namely, a major focus of this blog will be my journey as I seek to come to terms with my sexuality. I do not expect this to be a short process. If you’re expecting a coming out blog where I write about telling someone new every day, you may be disappointed. I’m not putting a timeline on this. It could be months, it could be years.
In fact, don’t expect daily posts. I may post a ton one week and nothing the next.
I will only be known by my initial on this blog, and I probably won’t use real names of friends either. I’m choosing to stay anonymous at this time for a reason. If you think you know me or anyone else I talk about here, please tell me privately and don’t broadcast it.
I welcome comments and feedback. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
I’m starting this blog in an attempt to do just that. It’s something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while now. You see, I’ve actually been a blogger for some time, however I needed a more anonymous venue in which to write my thoughts about some things. I need to be able to vent about frustrations and talk about aspects of my personal life that I am not yet comfortable addressing in front of friends, family, coworkers, mentors and the like on my main personal blog.
Namely, a major focus of this blog will be my journey as I seek to come to terms with my sexuality. I do not expect this to be a short process. If you’re expecting a coming out blog where I write about telling someone new every day, you may be disappointed. I’m not putting a timeline on this. It could be months, it could be years.
In fact, don’t expect daily posts. I may post a ton one week and nothing the next.
I will only be known by my initial on this blog, and I probably won’t use real names of friends either. I’m choosing to stay anonymous at this time for a reason. If you think you know me or anyone else I talk about here, please tell me privately and don’t broadcast it.
I welcome comments and feedback. Thank you for joining me on this journey.
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