ATWT Update

So I was watching ATWT today and it looks like "Nuke" has hit a snag...namely that Luke is bitter, depressed and lashing out.

Also, via IJJ, a new source for clips is here.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween folks!

Are You Gay?

Over at DTB, Matt recently ruminated on the topic of the dreaded question:

Are you gay?

Personally, I think I am almost at the point where I’m ready to give a truthful reply. I almost wish some people would just ask that question, as it would be so easy to just answer “Yes” instead of having to sit and plan what to say and when. Sure, I’d still have some explaining to do and questions to answer, but it still seems like it would be easier for them to bring it up as opposed to me.

Of course I have been asked the question before, in jest, particularly by the person that gave me so much shit about my friendship with Apple Guy. I was actually amazed she didn’t make some comment on Friday, as she was with the SG folks that came down, Had she done so, I would have been so tempted to turn to her and say:

“Guess what A, I am gay, you caught me. I’ve always been and will always be. I was gay before you started all the teasing in September, and I will always be. Regardless, Apple Guy is a platonic buddy and always will be. Now please move on and let someone else be the focus of your jokes, because we’ve both had enough.”

Ah, the things that could have been said.

An Evening With the SG Crew

Friday night I attended a function put on by the state wide SG group I used to be part of. It was great to see so many people I haven't since at least April if not longer. Of course there were folks there from my old campus, and I got a chance to hang with them a bit. It was good to be back among those friends for a few hours...I've missed them in the months since graduating.

Hoping for a few more substantial posts in the coming week. Stay tuned.

Back

Yes, I am back. I had a great time at the conference I attended...learned some things, met lots of people in my desired profession, and have some contacts that could prove useful in finding a job and also choosing a graduate program.

The Advisor was there, as were a couple of others from my former school. I had thought about telling him what I'm currently going through, but it was not in the cards for us to have a conversation that did not involve several other people. So, I did not.

I had some interesting IM chats with MBA Man and Country Girl the past couple of days. Each is struggling with problems right now, and I hope all turns out OK.

See You Wednesday...

Once again I have taken the weekend off, which seems to be a pattern for this blog.

I'm headed up to a conference for a couple of days and am leaving the trusty MacBook behind this trip.

So, it's highly unlikely I'll do any blog reading or writing until Wednesday. See you then!

The Facebook Factor

There seem to be a lot of people who debate when and whether to come out on Facebook. I most recently saw this on Frozen Underwear.

I currently have left the “Interested in” portion of my profile empty. A lot of people do this, especially those who like the same sex, it seems. Some might even say leaving that part out of your profile is an admission in itself…I know Joe did once on his blog. Not sure I agree, but he’s entitled to his view.

At the university I attended, there are currently seven men who say they are interested in men. I know for a fact there are more than seven gay or bi men on campus. Even Bi Boy, who was once out on Facebook, appears to have gone “back in”. I suspect it may be because potential employers may be checking, and the last thing one wants is to be outed at work before the interview.

I would love to say I will soon be coming out on Facebook. It would be a quick, easy, and relatively painless way to let people know. However, there are several reasons why I’m not:

1) The employer factor—they DO check Facebook, and it’s none of their business.
2) Family-Facebook friends include my sister and cousins…not ready to “go there” with them.
3) It’s impersonal
4) Perhaps most important-is it really the business of every one of my 400 some friends, and thousands of people in my school and regional networks to know if I’m gay or straight?

These four factors alone lead me to conclude that I will not be outing myself via Facebook anytime soon.

An Example of Why I Swore Off AIM Chats

When I started this blog a few weeks back, I saw it as a fresh start. I left behind my old screen name as well, at least the one I had used in the AIM chats. From that point on I decided I would only talk to people I met through this blog and a few select others I chose to transfer over.

One of those transfers was someone I’ll call AIM Boy. My guess is we’ve been chatting about a year. He’s a local kid who like me, is very much in the closet. He has seemed like a nice guy and we’ve had a good mix of real conversation and “cyber fun”…if you get my drift.

One night last week, we were chatting and he told me he kinda liked me and thought I might be fun to hang out with. I’m not really looking for more at this point and it would not go further because:

1) We’re both in the closet
2) Neither is in a place for a relationship
3) The biggest one: he’s on the young side (18) and won’t be staying here—I may not be here beyond this year either depending on grad school


I'm apprehensive about meeting up with people from online. I've never done it. Regardless, I said maybe someday that would be ok, but he questioned that I was ever going to agree to meet him because of what he called my “paranoia” about anyone finding out I’m gay. To help prove I’m not paranoid, I let him see my Facebook—real name, pictures, email, phone numbers, the works.

Mistake. By the next morning he’d de-friended me and while he didn’t block me on AIM, has not responded to my “hellos” since. Obviously he saw something he disliked and instead of being a man and asking me about it, he’s simply cut off communication.

Rude, rather hurtful and a reminder that I made the right choice to ditch the AIM chat rooms.

The Winner is...

First off, thanks to those who voted in my weatherman survey. It appears my weatherman won. A couple of you brought up some things:

-Yes, he's WAY TOO TAN

-He is 26, although he does look about 12

Another blurb about him is here...thanks to Steve and Warren for the link.

Moving on...

I will be making some additions to the blogroll in the next day or so. Please check them out.

I appreciate all the emails and comments from new and returning readers, and have been fortunate to interact with many out there on AIM as well. Keep it coming, folks.

You'll notice the frequency of posts here may begin to slow a tad now...from the frenetic pace of a new blog to a more regular rhythm.

YouTube Humor

Some humorous takes on the Larry Craig mess, courtesy of YouTube.

Larry Craig: I Am Not Gay

If Larry Craig Were Gay

Is My Weatherman Hotter Than Your Weatherman?

The other night I was on Facebook and noticed that a girl I know had joined “Absolut Sven” a fan group dedicated to a Minnesota TV personality. I decided I had to give her some major grief.

Why? Because as anyone who lives within the viewing area probably knows, Sven is the weekend weatherman for the Minneapolis NBC station. He has a good on-air persona, is a local boy, educated in our state university system and seems generally good at his job. He’s also young, athletic, and not bad looking—albeit about four feet tall and fake-baked beyond need, not unlike said station’s former anchor. Women love him, and they play up his sex appeal…including showing shirtless photographs of him running marathons during newscasts. One problem for the ladies, though--although it has never been expressly said , he likes gentlemen.

So, when I saw that this gal, the same one who had accused me and Apple Guy of “dating” apparently had the hots for this guy, I knew it was time to give her a little crap in return.

Upon looking around Facebook I discovered there were lots of groups dedicated to this guy. He’s being called everything from a “Weather God” to a “hobbit” and there’s even a group of people who claim he ran away from them at a local gay bar—apparently he enjoys hooking up with guys from the bar, but he must be a player with high standards.

Anyway, I think it is another funny example of women swooning over unattainable (GAY) men.

By the way, he blogs and there are plenty of pictures.

Survey: is my weatherman hotter than your weatherman?

Taking a Breather...

I'm taking the weekend off from posting here. As I have been putting out 2-3 a day since the beginning some of you may have catching up to do with reading and comments.

Thanks for reading!

New post coming Monday.

The Ones I Should Have Told...

All the stories from the past lead me to today.

I have not told anyone else beyond the four I've blogged about. I’m not ashamed of who I am necessarily, but it’s nerve wracking. I know this is not society’s “preferred” orientation. I’m also living with my parents again and I have a feeling that while they are supportive of my friendships with gay people, they may feel differently when they realize it’s their son. I want to be somewhat secure and moved out in case there is strain or backlash.

Additionally, living with the parents does make it hard to do much about anything. You’d think living close to the city I’d have explored the nightlife...not so much.

If I could go back I probably would have told two others while I was still in school:

1. Our SG advisor, who for lack of a better name in my head at the moment will be known as The Advisor. He’s a very nice guy and has become a mentor of mine, as I would like to get into similar work with college students. He also happens to be a gay guy. Apple Guy had suggested I talk to him when I hit “the breaking point” and I did—about everything EXCEPT the fact that I’m grappling with my sexuality.

2. Bi Boy- When I came out to Daisy Duke she suggested I tell him. I didn’t at the time because we had not had very many personal chats like that and it seemed out of place to tell him I’m coming to terms with being gay. In hindsight, however, it might have been nice to talk to someone who had been through the same kind of things.

And the journey continues...I've got more posts brewing all the time

Daisy Duke Learns My Secret

A week after the dinner with MBA Man and Photo Guy, I told Daisy Duke.

It was a Friday afternoon in the SG office, and no one was around. I told her about how two of the girls had stopped by my dorm room the previous evening and joked with me about my place on the Kinsey scale that they were studying in Human Sexuality class. I told her that if they knew the truth they would probably crap their pants. Then I basically explained the conversation with Apple Guy again, because of course she’d heard about it.

She was great about it—asked how long I’d felt this way, If my parents knew, etc…the general questions, but was totally understanding.

Afterwards, I emailed MBA Man:

“…This whole thing is just, well weird. I'm sure it always is. But up until 2 weeks ago I didn't have the slightest desire to address this with anyone, except maybe you guys...honestly I'd planned to tell you even before the whole [Apple Guy] conversation. It's as if a switch flipped. Is it that I'd finally had enough of the jokes? Is it that I'm leaving and figure a select few that I intend to keep in contact with should know? Why now...its not like these are new feelings. I know you don't have the answers but sometimes typing them out helps I guess LOL. I can't exactly blog this as you did...”

Of course I have ended up blogging it.

He responded:

“I think that you have now started to tell people due to the combination of everything. You are leaving and you realize that it doesn't really matter and you probably have had enough. Basically, that is what it takes, really. It all comes to a point when you have had enough and realize it does not mater one iota what other people think. Some people never get this far, and deny it all their lives. We all just want to be happy and this is the first step to doing so. Trust me...it only gets easier too. However, it does seem like you have lost something...almost like you held something over all of society and now you are like...too bad suckers...I am free!!!! “

I don’t know if I felt free, and I still don’t but there is truth there. His support has been invaluable.

Tidbits

Warning: This may be a 3-4 post day, I've got some in draft.

First, a few random musings.

• I am not a gossip king, although the previous post might give you that impression. Yes, I told Country Girl, but no one else...and I think MBA Man was happy she knew. My relationship with him only got closer after that.
• Feed readers are a godsend. I count 46 blogs that I currently read. If you're not syndicating you should be.
• It's Josh K. "Birthday Week" over at J&J. Drop by and wish him well.
• What is a "Birthday Week"? Is it a custom for gays to stretch out celebrations? If so, rock on!
• Cody over at Alternativ Life is coming out this weekend...good luck, buddy!
• Troystopher taught his mom to text (mine would be hopeless) and now has a real date with Topher...go boy!
• I never heard the name Topher before the actor Topher Grace, and now I hear it all the time. The new "Chandler?" There must be too many Chrises.
  

In the Spirit of the Day...

No, I am not going to come out to a bunch of people today. But, I’m going to take a break from my chronology of Stories From the Past and back track a bit. Troystopher’s post on National Coming Out Day made me think a little bit more about the events surrounding MBA Man’s coming out to me.

I’ll admit that I’m human, and like in the essay Troystopher posted, I did tell someone else MBA Man’s secret. As I read through his Live Journal that September night for the second time, I was having a tough time getting over the initial shock. He was not someone I’d have ever thought was gay.

Enter Country Girl (who loves country music), a mutual friend of MBA Man and me. I often talked to her on MSN in the evenings, and that night was no exception. I was so shocked and confused by what I was reading…the whole blog was a lot to take in. I had to talk to somebody. I tried to tell her what was going on without names, but it didn’t work…

So, I swore her to secrecy and told her that I’d gotten the email and read the LJ and discovered this about our friend. She was more surprised than I, and we talked about it at length, really over the next few days. We both were feeling for him, knowing what bumpy road might be ahead, especially for a Catholic kid from a town even smaller than where we were at school. She wanted badly to contact him about it, but I asked her not to until I was able to tell him she knew. She agreed.

I felt really guilty about outing him to Country Girl, because I’m not one to blab secrets. I decided that it was important I tell him in person, so when we met for dinner a few weeks later I told him she knew. I was relieved to see he was OK with it, and he may have even said he figured I would let her know, I don’t really recall.

I know how important it is to keep the confidence of friends, but I also know that being told something that almost no one around you knows can weigh really heavily. I am grateful to MBA Man for having understood my need to talk to another friend about what he’d told me.

Another reason he’s the best kind of friend anyone could hope for.

"Homo Lingo"

Pete brings up something interesting.

I don't get "homo lingo"

Why are we supposed to call each other homos? When did bitch become slang for friend?

And what exactly is a twink? All I know is they're young, and sometimes it's lengthened to twinkie, not to be confused with the snack cake.

It's gonna take time to get the hang of all this.

After The Breaking Point

About two weeks after the late night conversation with Apple Guy, I was back home for a weekend visit and met MBA Man and Photo Guy for dinner. I don’t think I will ever forget the date or location, just as I won’t forget the day or location of the conversation with Apple Guy. It was April 7, 2007 at TGI Friday’s—the same restaurant I’d had dinner at with MBA Man weeks after he’d come out to me in 2004.

I knew going into the evening that this was it. The time had come to tell them. I wasn't even especially nervous, it was just something that needed to be done.

Most of the dinner conversation was the usual banter. Toward the end though, I basically recounted what had happened at the conference. MBA Man turned to me, with a look of half smile, half surprise and asked “Are you trying to tell us something” and I think I said something like “Yes, I suppose I am”…

I don’t think I ever even had to use the word gay. I had imagined they probably sensed it anyway, which was confirmed by MBA Man stating he was only “kinda” surprised, and Photo Guy’s reaction, which was pretty much “You can come out with us when you move back!”

Of course they asked if anyone else knew, and if I was planning on telling my parents anytime soon. The answer was and is no.

They’ve been supportive as can be, as evidenced by more email excerpts between me and MBA Man:

From me:

“...I know I kind of dropped a bomb on you too. I can only imagine how [Apple Guy] must have felt. I hadn’t exactly planned on saying anything to him either, but we are close, I do trust him, and I wanted him to know why I don’t answer those questions…especially after he questioned me in the group and said he “didn’t think I was in touch with myself” I thought it was time he became aware that in fact I am trying to “get in touch” and figure out what I want in my life. As for you guys, I’ve wanted to say something for some time. But as you know it’s not something you just say randomly. Not that Saturday wasn’t a random time to do it…but it was time. And I knew you wouldn’t be totally shocked…we have known each other for too long and I figured you had no doubt picked up on the fact I don’t enjoy answering love life questions. And I doubt [Photo Guy] would have ever asked me if there were boys in my life if he didn’t think it was possible…and that was when he hardly knew me.

I’ve by no means reached a point in my life where I’m ready to discuss this with most people around me, or even say with 100 percent certainty that it’s who I am. However, I do know that I can’t deny the likelihood any longer…especially to friends like you who’ve gone through the self questioning. You’ve always been great to me and I know you always will be. Thank you for that—I love you both...”

From MBA Man:

“…We both 100% know what you are going through. There is no need to feel like you to have to explain anything. We have both been through and know all too well. With all this being said, feel free to talk to either of us at anytime. You have got my # and I will talk whenever you need…”

It felt good to get it off my chest, and I was so thankful for the support of them both…and still am.

The Breaking Point: Telling Apple Guy

By March 2007, my entire life was weighing on me pretty heavily. I’d been student teaching, and it had been "interesting" to say the least. I was stressed and too often crabby. I was a mess inside and out.

I reached the breaking point at the conference we attended at the end of the month. That Friday, on the way to the cities, the others in the car had been talking about what they wanted in a boyfriend or girlfriend. This was nothing new, and when my turn came I passed as usual, and was teased about it as usual. One girl, the same one behind “The Joke” made some comments about whether or not I liked girls, and Apple Guy said he thought the reason I never answered those kinds of questions was that I wasn’t in touch with myself.

Saturday night, after a long day, I had a few drinks in one of the hotel rooms with a few people. When I decided I’d had enough and was ready to go back to my room, a few of them gave me grief about it. Again, nothing new, but with my emotions on hair-trigger from everything that was going on, it made me angry.

I was upset. I steamed for a few minutes, and then went and sat in the lobby for a while, where I had a tipsy conversation with one of our college deans who happened to be staying at the same hotel that weekend. Thankfully she didn’t seem to notice my being under the influence.

I called Apple Guy and told him we needed to talk when he returned to the hotel, as he’d left in the interim. He got back to our room and a conversation ensued that must have lasted two hours. I laid out everything that had been bothering me, and without planning to, explained why I had never answered the ideal girl question—because I was indeed trying to “ get in touch with myself and what I wanted—and maybe the ideal girl for me wasn’t a girl at all.

He was as supportive and kind at that moment as I think he could have been.

Many people who attended the conference that weekend from our delegation later asked me what we discussed. A few had listened to some of it through the door, and although they couldn’t make out many words they could tell it was serious. I simply explained that we’d talked about many things, and that a combination of factors had made me upset and Apple Guy had been a supportive listening ear. I didn’t explain further and largely was not pressured to do so.

The Gay Bar-January 07

This past Christmas Break I was home in the suburbs. I went downtown and spent an evening with MBA Man and Photo Guy at their then-condo.

During dinner, MBA Man said to me that they were going out later and taking me with. Afterward, we were relaxing in the living room and he seemed content to stay in. Photo Guy was determined to go out with their other friend who’d joined us, with or without MBA Man and me.

Recalling an earlier promise I’d made to let them take me out, I agreed to go. Of course this was after about a half hour of back and forth between them and reassuring them that it was ok, I could handle whatever place they wanted to go.

I asked if I could stay the night on their sofa, since my mother had dropped me off and calling her for a ride home at 2 am buzzed seemed like a bad plan. They agreed, I called and told her I was staying over, and we were off to one of the local bars.

I’m not an experienced “bar fly” to begin with, so it was an interesting experience. Closeted man in a gay bar with gay friends…it was odd. I was out of my element. Didn’t stray too far from my friends either, as I was not about to get lost in the crowd in an unfamiliar place.

But I had a good time, even danced a little after a couple drinks.

The funniest part was the reactions the next day. My mom asked what the place was like. My sister asked if I had been hit on. Answer: No…possibly because there were 4 of us so it appeared to be two couples. I wasn’t exactly looking to get hit on either. And later that night, at a dinner with family friends, where inevitably I ended up telling the story, the 20 year old daughter told me excitedly that she’d been to this bar once on 18+ night with her then-boyfriend’s gay brother.

Certainly an evening I won’t forget.

Connecting With Fellow Bloggers

It's funny how quickly this blog is getting picked up. It's as if there's a "Gay/ Coming Out Blog Club" or something. We all seem to read each other--and that's really cool. Thanks to those who've reached out in the blog's first few days.

• Joe over at IJJ gave me a nice plug--thanks Joe.
• I've been having IM converstions with Troystopher recently. He's a really good guy folks, check him out if you haven't.
  
• Also, I've connected with Cody over at Alternativ Life and Matt from Closet NS. Also good folks--if you have AIM out there, feel free to say Hi.

And thanks for all the blogroll adds...I look forward to getting to know more about all of you!

The Joke and The Bet

For the next installment of “Stories From the Past” I’ll fast forward to Fall 2006, the beginning of the “weird year”

It started off with a long running and wholly inappropriate joke about my being involved with a good friend and student government colleague, Apple Guy (because of his like of Apple stuff) Another girl in SG started the joke when the two of us were going out to dinner and she was not invited. We were then “dating” in her eyes. We laughed it off. Note: Apple Guy is straight and I treat him like a brother so there was/is nothing more there.

But…Ironically the joke and his penchant for calling EVERYONE “sweetie” “pumpkin” etc. raised questions about Apple Guy among some. At one point I discovered that two more friends and colleagues…Daisy Duke (Loves the Dukes of Hazzard) and Bi Boy (plays for both teams) had engaged in a bet to see who could make out with Apple Guy first. I confronted her on this, telling her that if she and Bi Boy were trying to out him, it was not right. All the while I thought how horrible it would be if that were ever done to me.

She assured they were not, but revealed that Bi Boy was indeed bi and had a crush on Apple Guy for some time. The whole revelation was just strange.

Are There Boys in Your Life?

In March of 2005, several months after MBA Man had come out to me, I returned to the cities for another conference. This time, he decided it was time I, and everyone else there, met Photo Guy, (so named based on his profession of photographer) the person he’d dated since that October. It was a short and unplanned introduction ( I didn’t know they were BOTH coming until they showed up at the hotel) but Photo Guy seemed nice enough.

In May, the two of them decided to make a trip up to our college town to visit and spend a day at the nearby state park. We made dinner plans for the evening they arrived in town. It was the first time I was to really have a chance to interact with them as a couple.

During dinner, the conversation turned to my love life, when MBA Man asked if there were any girls in my life. Of course I replied that there were not. Photo Guy took the question a step further and asked about boys. MBA Man started to apologize for that, but I said it was a fair question and gave an accurate answer—no girls or boys were in my life romantically.

Photo Guy hardly knew me at that time, but his radar must have been good. I knew deep down he never would have asked that question if he didn’t sense a “Yes” was a possibility.

A Little More on the Previous Post

After reading my post about the friendship with MBA Man, one might wonder why I did not tell him immediately after he came out to me and why I did not suspect he was gay all along.

Why I didn’t tell him:

I was someone he told very early on in his coming out process. He had not been open at school and was only telling people on a “need to know” basis. Later, I was told that I was the first person he told just because he wanted to, not because he felt it was a must. I also knew it was rough, and even if I had been ready to spill the beans, it was my time to be a supportive friend—not the one in need of support myself.

Why I didn’t know:

At that time, and frankly to this day, I have not had many gay friends. Thus, my “gaydar” is not particularly acute.

In retrospect there were a few clues:

-He never talked about girls, and was not dating as far as anyone knew—I later learned he had in fact had a boyfriend he hid very well from everyone.

-He once offered to take me shopping and pick out an outfit for me. What straight guy does that??

-He gave me a ride home for break once, and if I recall correctly the music on that drive included Britney Spears and Hilary Duff. Not a dead give away, but also not general straight guy listening fare.

Friendship Means the World...

I was also introduced to a guy during my sophomore year in college, let's call him MBA Man (since he later went to grad school for that) who would become a close friend and, unbeknownst to me, the first person to come out to me after having known me for a while--As opposed to me knowing he was gay to begin with.

He'd gone to the U and come back to school at our university to take business classes. At first I never would have expected we’d end up friends—I misjudged him as a typical jerky, preppy fratboy, and we didn’t really socialize.

About mid-winter, we began to become friends. I don’t know exactly what happened. He was going through a rough time: his brother was very ill (cancer, has since recovered, thankfully) I did my best to reach out. We just hit it off as friends, better than I ever imagined. Maybe we unconsciously knew that the other was hiding the same secret? By the time he left in late April, we were much closer, and I continued to communicate with him through the summer.

By this point it was the fall of 2004. A couple of days into the school year, I received an email from MBA Man, which was pretty normal. However at the end, he asked me to read his blog and gave me the address, stating it was really personal but that I should read it and ask questions if I had them.

I realized upon reading that it was his way of coming out to me. I was quite surprised, but nothing changed between us. Following is an excerpt of the email I sent him the day I read the journal (edited to remove names):

"...I had the opportunity to read your LiveJournal last night. Clearly you have had much on your mind and have been under a lot of stress of late. Yes, it was quite personal, but I want you to know that you can trust me...you need not fear judgement from me, and what is private will stay that way. You can talk to me.

Very simply, you are awesome!! (In [Chair] terms, a guy worthy of many "Gold Stars") I have a great deal of love and respect for you as a friend, leader, and most importantly as a person. You are one of the kindest, most generous, caring people I know. You've always been extremely good to me, and treated me like I imagine a big brother might. I feel thankful and blessed to know you and have you in my life. The love and respect I have for you is unconditional. Nothing you tell me will ever change that. You are the same [person] I have always known...the person that makes me laugh. The person that always lended me a hand on [committee] when I needed one. The person who brought me out of my shell more than I have ever been..."

I met him for dinner a few weeks later when I was in the cities for a conference. We talked about a lot of things…life, his coming out process, his new relationship… I wanted to say something to him right then, let him know that he was not alone, but the time wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready.

A Few Notes...

First, there will probably be 2-3 posts a day for the next few. I've been working on the "Stories from the Past" for a while, so they are ready to go up pretty quickly. I also want to fill in the gaps so I can get to today.

I added a Welcome section to the sidebar. It's pretty self explanatory. Also, my "Blogs to Check Out" will continue to grow, so look for new additions.

A shout out to Eliot, my first commenter. Check him out at Daily Briefing. If you're a new reader, feel free to drop me a comment to let me know you're out there!

College

By the time I entered college, I was pretty sure who I was, but I was in no position to reveal it. It was a small town and small campus, and things like that spread fast. I knew few GLB people, and those that I did seemed to be activist types. I had no interest in becoming an activist. Plus I was becoming well known on campus—and wasn’t ready for large numbers of people to know. The freshman year was uneventful.

My sophomore year was interesting. An openly lesbian couple joined the student government, which I had become part of early on. They were a couple of nice older than average women, and we got along well. Once, one called me a “fag hag” at a conference and had to explain it was kind of a good thing...I had no idea.

Growing Up...

This is the first installment of what I'll call "Stories From the Past" that will help explain how I got to where I am. They are taken in part from that original writing I did in September --I 'll also introduce friends along the way, and they may be referred to by initials or "code names."

When I was a kid, I never really developed much interest in the opposite sex. My sister used to ask me in a joking manner if I was gay. At the time I never thought much of it…I mean, how important is it to be thinking about that when you are 7, 8, or 10 years old. Hindsight says she probably sensed it then, and does now.

I think I first realized something was up in middle school. I remember about eighth grade, there was a guy in one of my classes that would walk around in sleeveless tees. It was Industrial Tech, so he’d take off his overshirt in the shop—the teacher didn’t care as long as he was still clothed. He was athletic and I remember thinking he was attractive but I dismissed it, because in my mind there was no way I could be “that way”…and he sure wasn’t.

High school largely came and went. I never really was interested in any girls, and I had put any possibility of the other out of my mind, I didn’t date. I had a couple of female friends, but they were nothing more than that. At one point I nearly got into a relationship with one of them, but ultimately we both realized there was nothing romantic about our relationship. Oh well.

ATWT

Yes, I admit it. I have been following the "Nuke" story with some regularity on the CBS soap "As the World Turns." Normally I HATE soaps but as I have been home the last few months looking for a job, the story has caught my attention.

See clips of the story so far on YouTube-sdc100.

Next week's preview shows Col. Mayer shooting someone and Luke in the hospital..."Why can't I feel my legs?!" Honestly, if they decide to paralyze the character, I would find that depressing and unnecessary.

Why a Blog?

As I mentioned in my Welcome, I have actually been a reader and writer of blogs for a while. Some time ago, I stumbled upon the first two I had read by openly gay authors: Josh and Josh and InnerJoeJoe. I wasn't looking for "gay blogs" per se, I just liked what these guys were doing.

Needless to say, I soon discovered that there were lots of guys out there that were writing about going through the things I'd been grappling with. It was good to see that I was not alone. Some of those blogs will now be added to the list I will keep here.

In September, I happened upon A Boy's Life in Utah through a link on IJJ. I was immediately struck by the courage of the kid...to be going through the coming out process in a place where being anything but straight is probably a major no-no...I mean, you do not get much more conservative than Utah.

As I read his posts, I was inspired to start putting my own story so far into words. I started writing in a Word document about how I got to where I am at this point in the process. I knew I wanted to turn it into a blog, but it needed to be more anonymous than my main blog. So, I took the time to create a new account and "Figuring Myself Out" was born.

Welcome

Welcome to “Figuring Myself Out”


I’m starting this blog in an attempt to do just that. It’s something I’ve been thinking of doing for a while now. You see, I’ve actually been a blogger for some time, however I needed a more anonymous venue in which to write my thoughts about some things. I need to be able to vent about frustrations and talk about aspects of my personal life that I am not yet comfortable addressing in front of friends, family, coworkers, mentors and the like on my main personal blog.

Namely, a major focus of this blog will be my journey as I seek to come to terms with my sexuality. I do not expect this to be a short process. If you’re expecting a coming out blog where I write about telling someone new every day, you may be disappointed. I’m not putting a timeline on this. It could be months, it could be years.

In fact, don’t expect daily posts. I may post a ton one week and nothing the next.

I will only be known by my initial on this blog, and I probably won’t use real names of friends either. I’m choosing to stay anonymous at this time for a reason. If you think you know me or anyone else I talk about here, please tell me privately and don’t broadcast it.

I welcome comments and feedback. Thank you for joining me on this journey.